December 2014

Why is it December has always been a bad month of the year? I had two consecutive bad December last year and this year… Is this really God's saying that I am not deserving to be happy on joyous occasion like Christmas and be happy on my birthday? I don't ask for much, all I really want for my birthday is to not shed a single tear and for everyone around me to be happy and healthy. Why is it that it is always the hardest this time of the year?

I then question myself: "What's wrong with me?", I see girls of my age having fun of their time, surrounding with friends and being happy. What exactly is wrong of me? Why can't I be like them? I may be delusional because people only shows the better picture online but I don't even have any to begin with. Am I really such a horrible person with bad personality and character whom only knows how to go around hurting others? Am I?

Why can people who claims that they love me so much can easily give up on me? "Our friendship is over"- the bitter truth. "I am tired, I don't know anymore', is such an easy sentence to give up uh? Just a "tired", things are gonna left unfix and because of "tired", what about those things that were said in the past? Because a word like "tired, is the easiest way to stop trying, to stop giving a shit, to stop loving, to escape from all the pains. Those are words that will never come out from my mouth, even if it does, I don't meant it cos you simply do not give up on the ones you love, no matter how hard it is for me to deal with, no matter how many painful flashbacks/nights spent crying to sleep. You were the one who tell me to rely on you, to open my heart to you but how could I when you leave me in my lurch? How could I when I thought the person I trusted most would never give up on me? The saddening part is, how you have known one part of me that is hurting and suffering so badly but you can decide to walk away from me like that when I needed the support most.

I never expect anyone to understand me fully because I don't even fully understand myself either. What I am really disappointed in is the fact that those who claims that they love me, who sees very little vulnerability of me, they couldn't understand why am I behaving like that so they decide to leave me because thats the easier way out. I thought that having to see that little broken piece of me would make them stay but I guess I am wrong. I am always right about people. No one is willing to stay if they don't see the full picture because they immediately gets overwhelm with their own feelings and emotions. Like what any other human beings would do, they will think that they are the only ones hurting, they are the only ones suffering having to deal with the pain you have brought upon them. Little will they ever think that, the one that is hurting is hurting badly either that no one knows anything about…

I have many many flaws if up till now, you are still despising me for it and can't accept me for it then there really isn't a point for us to be friends anymore right? I can accept your temper, your harsh words.  I can accept how you hurt me because I truly loved you as my friend. It was never a competition for wittiness in an argument because I rather filter my content before sending to you to minimise the amount of damage I have caused on you.

I am really sorry for being late all the time, for hurting your feelings and pride, for not putting in more efforts in our friendship, for not safeguarding your faith in me. I guess thats my downfall, my karma. I am sorry for hurting you as a friend, with all my actions, words, attitude and treatment towards you. It will painful for you to leave me, so I will leave you instead… If there is anything I wish that you can reminds me of, I hope it will be happy times when our faces are plastered with smiles. I don't know whether you would feel this or not, but I hope you do know that I have truly truly love you and I never meant to hurt you in any ways. Thank you for all the incredible and greatest things you have done for me, with and without me knowing. My greatest blessing is to have met you in this lifetime, to have forge maybe not so strong friendship with you but it was great while it lasts.

Existence

Times like this when I feel my whole existence is a mistake. I probably shouldn't have belonged here or I'm better off dead. I know it's times like this I need to be strong, I need to be stronger for everyone else. I know I shouldn't be feeing inferior or negative, I shouldn't dwell onto such things.
But the thought of how I'm the culprit for everything makes me feel so so bad and no one will ever know how I would feel. I don't understand why everyone in this family claimed that they love me but yet refusing me to be loved. Thats why I am so certain in the very beginning that I don't deserve love. Just like how everyone thinks I don't deserve my good mom, my good friend, my good aunt and my good godma. If you claimed to love me so much, why are you hurting me by hurting my loved ones?
I just don't understand this whole drama, the only thing I get it is that everyday I doubt myself even more. I doubt my ability to withstand this whole drama, I doubt how long can i persevere with my own issues on top of that… I really feel so bad of myself, my incapability… I feel bad towards Bernise who is always there for me yet I couldn't spare my time for her… I feel bad towards Edwin whom I haven't seen for ages yet I keep taking advantage of his kindness… I feel bad towards Justin who has been such a joker who never fails to make me laugh due to his character yet the weak me is now becoming in tolerate towards his personal issues… I feel bad towards Shirlene for having a friend like who is so irresponsible and ill-disciplined… I feel bad towards my aunt and godma for taking care of me and yet end up getting hurt… Most importantly, I feel bad towards my mom for having a child like me…
Perhaps all these wouldn't have happened if I wasn't around…

Capability

Sometimes I wish I'm capable of my own expectations. I wish I was how I pictured myself to be. I wish I could be juggling well with my loved ones' issues, my personal issues, my studies, my appearance, my body clock — myself. But I am so incapable. Being incapable of fixing others' problems is alright, but I'm incapable of fixing myself. Why am I in such a mess? Why is my body clock fucking up during exam period? Why is my relationship with my bff going downhill yet idk what to do? Why is my r/s with my aunt so screwed that I don't even have the guts to tell her about bkk trip? I wish I can handle external issues well yet at the same time have time to fix myself too.. Studies screwing up, face still not showing any improvements. Times like this I feel so useless and doubt my worth again. Why am I so incapable? Or should I question myself, what am I even capable of in the first place? 

Better off dead.

"You should do something about it"

"You should not take things for granted and appreciate people around you"

So many things people has said to me because all they know is what they see and heard about. Does anyone bothers to try to understand or think of it in a way  "hey what Jiya said is so mean but she must have a reason or story behind it". I know it's wrong of me regardless of anything but I just need that one friend to have faith in me. To support me because of the person despite knowing I'm in wrong. But it seems like no one truly understands me.

Is it true that you have to show your fears and pains so that people will start thinking for you?

You said to be there for me, but where were you when I'm at lowest? Why did you have to step on me even if you didn't understand? Why can't you just be the support I need? All I begging for is the understanding and tolerance for me even when you least accept it.. Then again, I shouldn't expect so much right?

What worth do I have? Who am I to ask for so much? Who am I to be loved?

Troubled

Probably didn't make the correct decision to be so persisting to know about all these... After all, what am I hoping for? At least I know how she is feeling despite how troubled and upset I am feeling right now. And it's funny how sometimes I can just laugh about it when it's affecting me so much. 

It's not about my ego nor pride neither it's about me playing the sympathetic role because this is not a game. 

I'm willing to give in and take the first step as long as it doesn't hurt me but you see it in that way...

How is it so easy for you to say you don't care? Is it because you don't value this? Because i fucking care.

Sometimes I'm really the biggest loser in life. From not being able to protect my mom when she's alive, not being able to protect my aunt and my ganma, taking my friends' concern for granted, screwing my studies.... 

Really lost in all aspects in life..

Family, friends, studies, myself.. Really don't wish to fail in my relationship with justin too... 

So helpless so painful but what can I do? 

Grenade

So I nearly have the same I-am-going-to-lose-my-mom moment again for the (upmteen) times. You may say I should probably get used of her acts, but how can I? How can I ever ever get used to the feeling of you could lose your loved ones any moment? I am so so scared. Perhaps scared is an understatement. I was so worried.... Worried where she is, worried if she is okay, worried that did any mishaps happened to her... Because she really meant so so so important to me. Even though, people may say I'm stupid to hold on so tight to a grenade that will explode anytime and hurt me anytime, but at least I rather be hurt by her. Even though I love her so so so much, I'm okay to be hurt by her. Yes, I said it. I'm okay. 

The lost in senses and direction whenever I can't find, waking and crying around like some homeless in my mask and frantically calling and contacting her in every ways possible... 

Seeing her in so much pain yet I can't do a single thing to help her sucks so so badly. So many times I asked God to give me all her sufferings, I really meant it. Even if it means I have to stuck with this awful face and awful people around me. As long as she is happy and healthy. That's all I wish for. For her to be happy, safely, healthy. 

Self-worth

Sometimes I really wondered am I such a bad and horrible person that everyone dislikes? Is my character/words/actions really suck so badly? Why do I always feel that no one really likes me for who I am? Why do I always feel that no one is ever supportive or feel happy for me?
Am I like what you always proclaimed? So I'm actually a burden for you?
Why does everyone makes me doubt myself so much? I doubt that I can ever be good for anyone.
Sometimes its just so bad for me, its like my existence is a mistake? Like how my dad dumps me, my mom dumps me and now my aunt dumps me? Is there really no place for me to belong?

I really didn't meant to hide nor lie, I wish i could be frank but how to? I have so so many questions but who can tell me the answers?

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Ma, I wish you can know this. I wish you know how much I miss you and how much I needed you badly even after 5 years. I hate why God must do this to me, to take away my closest kin. Sometimes, I wish I could take your position so that you will know how to help Ganma and bring this family back together. And because like what everyone says your presence is always the best, I am just nothing but a shame towards you. I am incomparable with you, because I am not good enough. I wish you are here to tell me what to do and not dump me into this world and making me face everything. How long more will this take before we are all back together? Please show me the light and guidance, please give Ganma all the support and faith.

Fucking pissed off

Why are people always so shallow? Why is it that even families are so mean and sacsartic towards each other? I hate it all the sharp words whenever I'm outside facing all those hypocrites "friends" but even when I'm homed I have to suck it up with their bullshit nonsense. 

Do I really deserve all these? Deserve all the shits in the world and nothing good? Fuck them and bullcrap, don't ever wonder if it's other factors that caused me to hate this fucked up "family" because family don't hate and fuck each other over and over. YOU make me hate my existence here. YOU make me feel like I don't belong here. YOU make me feel the least deserving and worthy. 

Sleep

Been struggling with sleep for so long... And had my first sleep paralysis experience yesterday. Is this a whole new level of stress? I guess I have been doing well in keeping my emotions. Or not since I'm back here again. 

Always getting random flashbacks of my mom and I'm glad it's always the ones that put a smile across my face. How I would always lie on her lap while gg to work with her and always ended up with numb legs due to the awkward sleeping posture. Things hasn't been right lately. Godma. Results. School. Stress. Haven been doing well in school too... Sigh bye no mood to continue type 

Sometimes I really wonder do I deserve this? Just because of my inability to express my feelings, you can trample all over me? Just because I don't show you how awful you made me felt because I didn't want you to feel bad, then its okay to make me feel like shit? Im only 16 i know, but does this means I do not have feelings? Why is it that everyone can put their feelings above everyone else but I can't? Why is it you made me feel so special but the next moment making me feel like loser? You make me doubt my self-worth so so much... You make me so weak... Sometimes I just not want to live up to my own expectation, I just want to be alone. I just want to be alone....

I hate myself

I really wondered why... Is it because I didn't give you the faith enough or I didn't give you enough attention and care.. Why would I feel this way? Why wouldn't you tell me anything abt your health state? It makes me think so lowly of myself... Like I wasn't even worth for you to tell me.. Am I a nobody? I know that even if I know anything, I still won't be able to make time to accompany you or help you in anything... But sigh... I just wish you are well and fine...  I don't even know why such a small issue can affect and upsets me this much... And then I will always think why should I tell you my stuffs and assure you when you don't even assure me... Why should I let you have a peace of mind while I'm here constantly feeling like loser.... Then there's another part of me who doesn't want you to feel how I felt because it feels so awful and suffocating... I would rather I be the one sucking up all these shit than trying to make you feel how I felt... I really hate myself. What a loser I am. I hate myself.

4am thoughts

I should lower down my "appreciation level" which means I should feel appreciated easily with the least effort of words and actions. I should feel appreciated at every single thing like even typing on this macbook right now. I think I am weird haha my thinkings are so unexplainable and complex. If my "appreciation level" is lowered, I will feel happier and better. Life would be much more easy.
Well, I don't really consider myself "hot-tempered" but I must admit i remember things that made me feel awful of myself. I don't get mad easily but I don't exactly bear grudges. I probably have a very high benchmark of being angry and happy and recently my threshold of sadness is getting lower sigh... which means i get upset easily and cry often. I really hate it... I hate how I think and I hate my incapabilities.

Just another weird post that no one will understands.

Note to self

"You didn't grew up with love and concern so you don't need any of those in the future. Stop having expectation and stop evaluating your position in others' hearts because you will never know. Stop being so weak and leak out things that are only meant to be unseen and untold. Stop relying in love because it never pays off. Please do everything that you can to fight for those who matters. Please don't ever ever ever show your true emotion to anyone"

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So I was thinking of my best friend. Thinking about the good times we used to have with each other's company, reading about her one year old blog post about me, it really saddens and dishearten me to see what we are like right now... Why is friendship so fragile? How can people who talks 24/7 stop talking? I miss how we are like in the past.... Heavy thoughts tonight again... When can I have a proper rest...

Mother's Day

Probably not a happy mother's day for me after all... Seeing all those posts dedicated for their moms on all social media platforms makes me really wanna dedicate something for my mom.. I'm so sorry for missing all those mother's days and your birthdays all the past years. I wish time could rewind so I can do all those things that I'm dying right now to do for you. I wish you are still alive so that I won't have to type this with tears rolling down my cheeks. I wish I can bring you out for dinner today and give you a bouquet of flowers. I wish I can tell you in person how much I love you and how much I appreciate you. All those years, I never thought that I will ever spend a day without you. I never thought God can just take you away like that. Ma, I'm really sorry and I really wish I can have the chance to do what I should do as your daughter. I wished I didn't take you for granted back then. I wished I have cherish you and everything we once had. So happy mother's day mi, I wish you are happier up there and please don't look down on me. I'm such a disappointment to you... From not studying well, not be able to protect our loved ons, to not living my life with faith, to being a pathetic loser... I'm so sorry.. But thank you for being my mom, for always loving me, for always taking care of me, for doting on me even when I least deserve it. I know its hard being hard on you. Thank you so much.. I miss you... So badly...

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Here's to my second mom: I wish I can do everything I wish could have make you feel better. I can't do anything but to watch you helplessly. I really hope you can pull through all these and get better soon. I can't bear to see you being so depressed and unhappy. I wish God can take away your pain and give it to me and give you all my happiness. I hope life wouldn't be so unfair to you anymore. I hope you will be able to find the strength soon.

Dear God, I hope that all these that you are putting us through would means that the good days are coming and the rainbow is at the other side. I hope this battle gives her strength in the amidst of her struggles. These struggles are tough but she will be able to fight her way through.

To my dear ganma: I really wish nothing but the best for you. I hope to see you happy, I hope to see you fine. I don't know if I can do it but I will my best to love you no matter what, to love you despite how your words kills me like a knife, how your actions hurts me so much and to love you even when its tough for me. I hope God gives me the strength to be stronger than you so that I will never allow you to break. 

Thank you for everything, words can't describe my insurmountable love for you. I wished you knew how much I cared and how much you matter to me. 

Happy Mother's Day

We still have a long way of celebrations till you grow old and grey. 

 It's been such a long time since I have last blogged. The emotions and feelings that i'm experiencing nowadays has been so overwhelming and engulfs me so much... I really hate myself for giving someone the rights to hurt me. But i always tell myself to be strong because all these are gonna worth the happiness that I will receive. But sometimes I wish i didnt have anything, I would rather to feel empty and nothing significant. I know probably what im feeling and facing is nothing compared to yours and this is probably the tip of an iceberg because in the future there are more painful events coming. As much as I try to restrict my feelings and empathise you, as much as i tell myself to be strong because you are my main priority, I'm still not doing to my own expectation. I still didnt manage to conceal my emotions well, I still leak things out because I'm just a human. I still cant hide and show you my actual emotion. Why do I feel that you didn't fight for me as much as i fight for you? I know i shouldn't judge because i dont see and i dont know anything. As much as I try to see things in another picture, the fact always proves me wrong. I dont understand why cant you reply to my texts when whenever i'm with you, you are on your phone. I dont understand why you can ignore my texts when you saw it. What I really don't understand is why cant you see me trying so hard.. I went for a trip that i know i wont be happy about it and skip the camp when i obviously know i will have more fun. Whats funny is you were the one who said our times tgt were precious, so who is the one not treasuring it? Maybe I'm childish and i know i have to share you with others, so in the first place i shouldnt have you at all. because i dont deserve any of you. I really think I'm such a fool, I didnt dare to voice out my thoughts and confront you that i obviously dont like you to be on your phone 24/7. Instead i got reprimanded for showing attitude, i think even a fool at that will defence for themselves but I just coax you because i didnt want you to be mad. Sometimes i really wonder why do i place your feelings above mine. but thats love isnt it. Taking in all things to yourself even though it hurts because you dont want your love one to be upset? When you are so close to a person, it is very easy to get granted? But is it for me i strive even harder to stay by your side, I wake up early when it was actually impossible for me because i wanna meet you. I went from being lazy to now, when you are upset i will give you a surprise. Whenever I appear not to appreciate your efforts, its always my fault right? My fault for not being sensitive enough but who can be sensitive towards my feelings then? Instead I always get that awful feeling even though I know it isnt that case. I really wondered where is all my courage when i need that but yet sometimes I fear that if my overwhelming courage is here it may give me regrets...
At the end of the day, I will still go back to my camouflage and be the girl that I have to live up my expectation to.

LUST

My motivation to keep me sane

2014

The last month of 2013 is horrible and 2014 is still going to be horrible if I don't put a stop to it. It has been bothering me so much that I couldn't believe how vulnerable I am now.. It's like my emotions took control of me. I have never been like this before, I will always put up a strong front and go with the flow. But nowadays, I just keep breaking down. It's like I can cry anywhere and anytime. This period has also been the period where I really wanted my mom back dearly. Because it was my only fond times that I used to be really carefree and happy. Just pure genuine happiness. But now, happiness seems to be so far from my reach. I need to be strong. Even if it kills me and hurts me, because I can't let my godma suffer like this. Seeing her like this makes me so upset and mad at myself. The reason she is like this is also indirectly my fault (partially) in a way. I know I can't run away and avoid. I know that wanting my mom back is just a foolish thinking and it will never solve anything. It was my only escape that I wished I could have. Because of this matter, I have also been thinking a lot. Like I'm in my deep thoughts most of the time when I'm alone. I ponder about so so so many things about this incident. Yes, sometimes I do admit and hate it the fact that why do I have to experience all these. I hate how why must I consider so many other ppl's feelings when they don't even consider mine. I hate how I can't be a normal child and I have to go through such devastating things. I hate how I have to be understanding and sensible even though I'm only 16. But then, my godma make me understood something. I shouldn't view things from my angle. Yes, I don't deserve all these but I don't have to "blame" it on others. Blaming things won't make things better, it makes myself feel worse. It's hard not to have this kind of thinking but I'll try. This time round, I really need to pick up my courage and talk to my aunt about it. Because if this continues, things won't be fine, so I need to be strong. I never have the courage to talk to people how I truly felt when looking into their eyes. I'm just afraid of being true to my own feelings. But I know I can't. I need to be strong to face it. To face my insecurities. To face her.

A note to myself:

It's okay to cry all night to sleep, it's okay to sit by yourself. It's all going to be worth it when you see things become better. Yes I know that you are 16, but you need to be strong for your godma. You lost that opportunity to be strong for your mom, but now you can't let it slip off. I know it hurts to see your godma being in all these pain, and yes I know you are hurted too. But your wounds will be fine, you need to take care of her. You need to solve things. You can't always think of your mom when things gets difficult. Because I'm sure your mom wouldn't like to see you in that vulnerable state. You need to show her how strong you can be for yourself. Please no matter what don't hurt yourself, face it bravely. Jiayou.