2014

The last month of 2013 is horrible and 2014 is still going to be horrible if I don't put a stop to it. It has been bothering me so much that I couldn't believe how vulnerable I am now.. It's like my emotions took control of me. I have never been like this before, I will always put up a strong front and go with the flow. But nowadays, I just keep breaking down. It's like I can cry anywhere and anytime. This period has also been the period where I really wanted my mom back dearly. Because it was my only fond times that I used to be really carefree and happy. Just pure genuine happiness. But now, happiness seems to be so far from my reach. I need to be strong. Even if it kills me and hurts me, because I can't let my godma suffer like this. Seeing her like this makes me so upset and mad at myself. The reason she is like this is also indirectly my fault (partially) in a way. I know I can't run away and avoid. I know that wanting my mom back is just a foolish thinking and it will never solve anything. It was my only escape that I wished I could have. Because of this matter, I have also been thinking a lot. Like I'm in my deep thoughts most of the time when I'm alone. I ponder about so so so many things about this incident. Yes, sometimes I do admit and hate it the fact that why do I have to experience all these. I hate how why must I consider so many other ppl's feelings when they don't even consider mine. I hate how I can't be a normal child and I have to go through such devastating things. I hate how I have to be understanding and sensible even though I'm only 16. But then, my godma make me understood something. I shouldn't view things from my angle. Yes, I don't deserve all these but I don't have to "blame" it on others. Blaming things won't make things better, it makes myself feel worse. It's hard not to have this kind of thinking but I'll try. This time round, I really need to pick up my courage and talk to my aunt about it. Because if this continues, things won't be fine, so I need to be strong. I never have the courage to talk to people how I truly felt when looking into their eyes. I'm just afraid of being true to my own feelings. But I know I can't. I need to be strong to face it. To face my insecurities. To face her.

A note to myself:

It's okay to cry all night to sleep, it's okay to sit by yourself. It's all going to be worth it when you see things become better. Yes I know that you are 16, but you need to be strong for your godma. You lost that opportunity to be strong for your mom, but now you can't let it slip off. I know it hurts to see your godma being in all these pain, and yes I know you are hurted too. But your wounds will be fine, you need to take care of her. You need to solve things. You can't always think of your mom when things gets difficult. Because I'm sure your mom wouldn't like to see you in that vulnerable state. You need to show her how strong you can be for yourself. Please no matter what don't hurt yourself, face it bravely. Jiayou.