Sad

This whole month has been so suckish. I don't know why am I so weak. I really can't stand the routine of acting im happy and then cry to myself silently till I fall asleep. But happiness has been so far lately. I cry to my mom all night begging her to tell me what to do is the right way. There are so many times I would walk to the kitchen and stare at the knife. But no, I am a coward. I wouldn't have the guts to. What if one day I really can't take it anymore?I feel so burden and useless. Like my whole birth was a mistake. I should never exist in the world. I couldn't protect my mum and now I couldn't protect my godma. I caused all this. I have to admit I treat my godma even way better than my mom. But seeing her like this pains me, our wrecked r/s pains me. Seeing how weak and skinny she has been as the day goes on really break my heart and I can't do anything about it. Seeing how upset and stress she is about the r/s she had with my aunt really break my heart. What pains me most is the r/s I have had with her. It's like we can't be close anymore. I never wanted to leave her but leaving her seems like the best option. I hate myself. For being in this position. I hate how we couldn't have a normal healthy r/s and every time we meet up we have to act secretive. I hate how she couldn't be close to me because she is being held back by so many things. Yes I understand. That's why from now on I need to stop regarding for my own feelings and my own happiness. Even if, I have to carry on being like this for the rest of my life. I would be so to change for her happiness and get her out of her misery. Why am I forced to grow up so quickly. Why can't I be a normal teenager. I can't control my emotions like I used to. I can't think of my own happiness and put her in a difficult position. It's okay, I need to be strong.