Pain

What type of crying hurts the most? It's the type when you can't cry it out loud and you have to take it all in to the extent that your whole body is shaking. The type of crying that is so silent that it hurts the most. The type of crying in the dark. The type of crying when you have to constantly stuff your blanket in your face. The silent crying hurts the most.

What really upsets me now is the relationship I have with someone whom is important to me. Did I really ruin this relationship I have with her? Did I really lose her? Why does it feels like the same four years ago when I lost her? Why does it feels like she is leaving me? I wish nights were shorter so I don't have to cry myself to sleep. I wish I knew what happened to her. I wish she would still tells me things and rant to me. I wish we were still the same. This is what I hate. I hate when I get attach to people and they leave me. Again and again. Can you please don't leave me? Don't ever leave me, will you? I hope this is just temporary and we will be fine. 

I'm not defying and not being rebellious to her. I didn't do it on purpose just because I was mad. I didn't do it because of what I heard. I did for myself. I didn't meant to break your heart. I am just not strong to face it. I don't have the courage and support I need at that time so I thought avoid would be the best. Saying that I don't care about her is not totally true, but I'm just numbed. I tried my best to act like a child and be funny and be childish because I see her as my aunt. But now, I feel like she is just my guardian and I'm indebt towards her for the rest of my life. I'm super appreciative for what she had done for me and I know I wouldn't have been here without her help. That's something I can never repay back. 

It hurts. It really hurts a lot.