Three parties hurt from this incident because I triggered it.. But how I can not to have any response nor reaction? I really don't know what to do.. All I ever want now is to exchange anything for the life of my mom. I just want to live our happy lives with just me and her. I will never never ask her to go and die. I'm so useless I can't even protect my own mom and now I can't protect my godma. Seeing how hurt she is really breaks my heart when I know I'm the cause behind it. I really don't deserve to be attached to anyone because they receive hurt but I receive love from them. I'm so unworthy for their presence. I made her even upset because of my actions. But who can understand me and my pain? It's so tiring and hurt for me to suppress my emotions I feel like I'm going mad. As much as I hate to see my aunt and my godma quarrel especially abt me and how upset they are, but I need my break too. I need to relieve my emotions. I need to get out of the cycle. And now I made my godma gulity just because of what she told me.. I hope she will still tell me things and not bottle up herself. I rather be the one suffering and suppressing my emotions than having her to suffer all these by herself. My relationship with my aunt has became a guardian. I don't know since when but she's no longer my aunt buy just my guardian who takes care of me till I'm legal. I know clearly that I shouldn't expect any love nor attention from her because she's not my mom, I know it but I can't help it sometimes. It's like a kid going up to their parents to request to buy a Barbie but the mom just said no straight in their faces. It's the disappointment and hurt I'm been getting. I told myself to get used to it. I told myself not to say anything that's not important to her anymore. Because I know she will never bother with insignificant details about me. But what I really don't understand is why does she wanna stop me from receiving love? Because I am really so unworthy? Just when I thought I found such underdlying love from my godma, she just wanna ruins it all. Why why why?! I don't understand. Am I destined not to receive love? Last time I received love from someone, she betrayed me and make me lose my trust. Just when I thought I finally found someone to provide me love that I always wanted, I just couldn't have it. Why must you stop me from my happiness? My godma, my friends. To me I clearly know that that was my happiest moments in my life. My godma, she's an important person in my life that I want to love and take care of her after knowing all the hardship she has been through. But the least I ever want to do is to see her crying and being upset because of me. But I did it, I made someone who cared about me cried when i was being the selfish one who decided to run away from the reality. How selfish can I be. Thankfully she can blame me for it, at least I'm the reason behind it but who can I blame for mine? No, I can't blame to those who loved me. It wasn't their mistake, it was mine. My presence, my selfishness, my recklessness, my childishness. Of all the times when gandie said "why am I not embarrassed?" when I went her house for stay over and Terence said that I was unrelated, I should have know it. I shouldn't get attached to anyone in my life. So I won't bring sadness for them. I must be independent on my both feets like what my aunt said, I shouldn't crave for things I don't deserve. Lastly, to my mom. After watching the show stranger housekeeper, I realized the position of a mom cannot be easily replaced. I'm so sorry to her because there was once she wasn't the first placing in my heart. I was so selfish to her. Just because someone who loves and cares for me, I shouldn't forget about you. I'm sorry. I finally understand now, it just us two. I shouldn't have accepted anyone in just because I was in the moment of happiness. Because they shouldn't see the vulnerable side of me, no one should ever know the deepest part of me. The pain and wounds should never be exposed. I hope things will be better, I hope my ganma is fine so is my aunt. I don't wanna see them suffering. I need to stay strong. I will never break down anymore.
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