It's been such a long time since I have last blogged. The emotions and feelings that i'm experiencing nowadays has been so overwhelming and engulfs me so much... I really hate myself for giving someone the rights to hurt me. But i always tell myself to be strong because all these are gonna worth the happiness that I will receive. But sometimes I wish i didnt have anything, I would rather to feel empty and nothing significant. I know probably what im feeling and facing is nothing compared to yours and this is probably the tip of an iceberg because in the future there are more painful events coming. As much as I try to restrict my feelings and empathise you, as much as i tell myself to be strong because you are my main priority, I'm still not doing to my own expectation. I still didnt manage to conceal my emotions well, I still leak things out because I'm just a human. I still cant hide and show you my actual emotion. Why do I feel that you didn't fight for me as much as i fight for you? I know i shouldn't judge because i dont see and i dont know anything. As much as I try to see things in another picture, the fact always proves me wrong. I dont understand why cant you reply to my texts when whenever i'm with you, you are on your phone. I dont understand why you can ignore my texts when you saw it. What I really don't understand is why cant you see me trying so hard.. I went for a trip that i know i wont be happy about it and skip the camp when i obviously know i will have more fun. Whats funny is you were the one who said our times tgt were precious, so who is the one not treasuring it? Maybe I'm childish and i know i have to share you with others, so in the first place i shouldnt have you at all. because i dont deserve any of you. I really think I'm such a fool, I didnt dare to voice out my thoughts and confront you that i obviously dont like you to be on your phone 24/7. Instead i got reprimanded for showing attitude, i think even a fool at that will defence for themselves but I just coax you because i didnt want you to be mad. Sometimes i really wonder why do i place your feelings above mine. but thats love isnt it. Taking in all things to yourself even though it hurts because you dont want your love one to be upset? When you are so close to a person, it is very easy to get granted? But is it for me i strive even harder to stay by your side, I wake up early when it was actually impossible for me because i wanna meet you. I went from being lazy to now, when you are upset i will give you a surprise. Whenever I appear not to appreciate your efforts, its always my fault right? My fault for not being sensitive enough but who can be sensitive towards my feelings then? Instead I always get that awful feeling even though I know it isnt that case. I really wondered where is all my courage when i need that but yet sometimes I fear that if my overwhelming courage is here it may give me regrets...
At the end of the day, I will still go back to my camouflage and be the girl that I have to live up my expectation to.
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