Grenade

So I nearly have the same I-am-going-to-lose-my-mom moment again for the (upmteen) times. You may say I should probably get used of her acts, but how can I? How can I ever ever get used to the feeling of you could lose your loved ones any moment? I am so so scared. Perhaps scared is an understatement. I was so worried.... Worried where she is, worried if she is okay, worried that did any mishaps happened to her... Because she really meant so so so important to me. Even though, people may say I'm stupid to hold on so tight to a grenade that will explode anytime and hurt me anytime, but at least I rather be hurt by her. Even though I love her so so so much, I'm okay to be hurt by her. Yes, I said it. I'm okay. 

The lost in senses and direction whenever I can't find, waking and crying around like some homeless in my mask and frantically calling and contacting her in every ways possible... 

Seeing her in so much pain yet I can't do a single thing to help her sucks so so badly. So many times I asked God to give me all her sufferings, I really meant it. Even if it means I have to stuck with this awful face and awful people around me. As long as she is happy and healthy. That's all I wish for. For her to be happy, safely, healthy.