Why is it December has always been a bad month of the year? I had two consecutive bad December last year and this year… Is this really God's saying that I am not deserving to be happy on joyous occasion like Christmas and be happy on my birthday? I don't ask for much, all I really want for my birthday is to not shed a single tear and for everyone around me to be happy and healthy. Why is it that it is always the hardest this time of the year?
I then question myself: "What's wrong with me?", I see girls of my age having fun of their time, surrounding with friends and being happy. What exactly is wrong of me? Why can't I be like them? I may be delusional because people only shows the better picture online but I don't even have any to begin with. Am I really such a horrible person with bad personality and character whom only knows how to go around hurting others? Am I?
Why can people who claims that they love me so much can easily give up on me? "Our friendship is over"- the bitter truth. "I am tired, I don't know anymore', is such an easy sentence to give up uh? Just a "tired", things are gonna left unfix and because of "tired", what about those things that were said in the past? Because a word like "tired, is the easiest way to stop trying, to stop giving a shit, to stop loving, to escape from all the pains. Those are words that will never come out from my mouth, even if it does, I don't meant it cos you simply do not give up on the ones you love, no matter how hard it is for me to deal with, no matter how many painful flashbacks/nights spent crying to sleep. You were the one who tell me to rely on you, to open my heart to you but how could I when you leave me in my lurch? How could I when I thought the person I trusted most would never give up on me? The saddening part is, how you have known one part of me that is hurting and suffering so badly but you can decide to walk away from me like that when I needed the support most.
I never expect anyone to understand me fully because I don't even fully understand myself either. What I am really disappointed in is the fact that those who claims that they love me, who sees very little vulnerability of me, they couldn't understand why am I behaving like that so they decide to leave me because thats the easier way out. I thought that having to see that little broken piece of me would make them stay but I guess I am wrong. I am always right about people. No one is willing to stay if they don't see the full picture because they immediately gets overwhelm with their own feelings and emotions. Like what any other human beings would do, they will think that they are the only ones hurting, they are the only ones suffering having to deal with the pain you have brought upon them. Little will they ever think that, the one that is hurting is hurting badly either that no one knows anything about…
I have many many flaws if up till now, you are still despising me for it and can't accept me for it then there really isn't a point for us to be friends anymore right? I can accept your temper, your harsh words. I can accept how you hurt me because I truly loved you as my friend. It was never a competition for wittiness in an argument because I rather filter my content before sending to you to minimise the amount of damage I have caused on you.
I am really sorry for being late all the time, for hurting your feelings and pride, for not putting in more efforts in our friendship, for not safeguarding your faith in me. I guess thats my downfall, my karma. I am sorry for hurting you as a friend, with all my actions, words, attitude and treatment towards you. It will painful for you to leave me, so I will leave you instead… If there is anything I wish that you can reminds me of, I hope it will be happy times when our faces are plastered with smiles. I don't know whether you would feel this or not, but I hope you do know that I have truly truly love you and I never meant to hurt you in any ways. Thank you for all the incredible and greatest things you have done for me, with and without me knowing. My greatest blessing is to have met you in this lifetime, to have forge maybe not so strong friendship with you but it was great while it lasts.
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