Vulnerable

So I'm back here once again feeling absolutely wrecked.
Wretched in my heart.
From a lover, from a friend.
Lost of faith and love

Thank you for giving no one to me when I needed someone the most.
Maybe that's how I'll learn to be strong

Tears lessen
Hair lessen
The heart will lose its way

Of hairloss and breast lump

Just when I'm so excited and looking forward to my career I just have to receive bad news..

Why must it be so difficult? 

My mood has been so bad recently

I can't stop worrying 

I can't stop crying in the shower seeing tucks of hair falling off, feeling hair all over my body, hair all over the floor and the bed

The wait is so excruciating 

I hope I get good news. I hope everything will be fine.

I hope to stop being negative. I hope to be healthy 

Never have I thought I will be 20 and experiencing severe hairloss 

Peers in my age having the best times in their life while I'm here struggling with uncertainty with  unknown conditions that is affecting my emotions adversely

Please give me the strength. Please allow my body to be fine.

I will eat well and drink well and sleep well

I want to be successfully employed 

I want to be mentally and physically healthy 

夜景看多不腻

You made me the saddest girl on the day when all girls are the happiest.

That's the reason I'll be gone.

Express

Sometimes, I wish I'm better in expressing my needs and emotions.
I wish I can verbally say what I want and what I exactly need without the fearing of any factors be it (ppl's opinion, inconvenience)...
I wish I can express myself when I am unhappy and upset.
I wish to show that I am unhappy at the point in time not fearing of causing inconvenience to anyone.
I wish I have the ability to do so.
To say Yes when I really mean it
To say No when I don't like it
To be firm on my choice

So mentally draining and aching xxx
I wish I didn't have to feel this way
I wish I was the only main lead

Changes

I haven't felt happy with the current state of myself for awhile. Don't get me wrong, I do laugh at stupid jokes everyday and poking fun at my intern mates. It gets me through everytime at least when I'm not alone.
I can't really pinpoint if it's the moving from where used to be so familiar till a place when the only transport out is via car if it's heavy rain zzzz.
I know I might sound like an ungrateful brat but I thankful that I'm given a roof and a room that can store anything..

It's been 5 months and going 6 months of the change in my relationship status. A part of me just naturally care and love for my partner because loving is what makes the world a better place right?
But I'm frustrated with how things are like.
Or rather, with myself.
I hate how I feel so deprived of myself. I feel so lacking of time. How I no longer watch videos on YouTube anymore. How I don't spend time sitting down and surfing the net. How I don't read random articles anymore.

When I do finally have time, I'm so tired. I'm not tired of having to love someone, I'm tired of not loving myself enough. Maybe I'm indeed self-centered, I miss how it used to be just 100% attention on myself.

心很烦

I would normally brush off feeling like these within minutes and be completely alright.
For me to enter this outlet, it really means I need more than just an ice cream or online shopping which didn't work like it used to.
It is so weird that I can't put any words on it. I don't know the source of this feeling. Maybe it's from the recent addition in my life.
Maybe it's just a change in my life that I am currently experiencing a sudden realization?
Maybe my focus on myself has been shifted?
I don't know.
There's so much commotion going in my mind that is so unclear and senseless.
I just wish for this feeling to go away~~~~~~~
//////////////////////////
I know what I'm feeling.
Disturbed. Interrupted. Confined.
Perhaps due to the shifting to a new environment with a smaller living space, I get so choked up by the lack of spaces like I used to enjoy. I feel so stuffy with my stuffs not being in places I wish it could be at. I feel that my life has been interrupted with a new comer in my life, in a pleasant way definitely but I still feel so choked up inside.

Public Speaking class

"When I was younger, I used to hate her for leaving me just like that. For losing to the big C, I blame her for not fighting hard enough for me. I blame her for giving birth and leaving me alone in this world all by myself. I hated her for making me watch my own mother who have birthed to me die. I hated her for making me lose the only person who loved and cared unconditionally. But little did I know, her pains and her sufferings she had to went through.. Little did I know that despite how her sickness was tormenting her, she still put on her usual cheerful chirpy front to reassure me that "mommy's is getting better" with that smile on her face when I was helping her to the washroom that I will never forget. I hate how despite all those pains she was going through, she still cared for my feelings and lessen my worries.
Now that I'm older, If it was so painful for me to know that she's gonna leave me, I wonder how much painful it was for her then? To realize that she isn't that strong enough to defeat cancer, to realize that she's gonna make me become parent-less. I wonder how badly she must have felt abt herself.

That was when I realized that I lost a strong capable woman in my life. A lovely woman who brought me up singlehandedly.

I'm sorry for all the missed Mother's Days and  birthdays. I'm sorry for the absence of dinners and presents. I'm sorry for not being a dutiful daughter when I had a chance to. And now it's all too late.

What's worse than being regretful is knowing the fact that no matter how much you wish time could turn back, it will never ever happen to me no matter how many times you cried in the middle of the night begging for God to please give her back to me. It's impossible and there's really nothing and nobody you can blame for the loss of your own mom not even the deadly Cancer because it's just a terminal illness. That's when you blame yourself. For not being able to protect the person that you loved.

They say that time will heals everything and with time, coping with the death of your loved ones gets easier. But how? How can you get used to it whenever you get flashbacks of how she was going to die? The truth is, you don't ever get to "recover" from it. It will stays with you a lifetime but it's okay to miss her and it's also okay for you to live your life happily because I know that that's what she would like me to.

I know this sound so cliche but really, cherish your parents and show them you love them before you will never get the chance to. Because one day, when you regret, it's gonna be so painful.

She will never hear this, but mom, I wish you know how much I need you and how much I miss you.
Thank you for giving me this life, for loving me and accepting a daughter like myself. Thank you for teaching me your selfless kindness, your humor, your generosity. I wish you are alive now so that I won't have to give this eulogy but. Ma, I love you so much."

//////////////////////////////

Reason

I realized the reason why I missed my mom so much is because of how she was the only person who loved and cared for me unconditionally. My mother is the only person who will always accept all my flaws and never loved me less.

She won't shortchange her love for me just because I overslept all the time, just becos I have shitty skin or I am flat chested.

More importantly, she won't ask anything for return. She won't have hidden motives. She won't do anything to hurt me.

I missed her so much because of how I have to wary for people and it's so tiring. To constant think whether this person has any bad intentions.

I missed having a to trust in someone entirely. I lost that privilege.

Unwell

Whenever I'm falling ill, I got reminded of her 

The pain that I'm experiencing is nothing compared to hers

Feigning a strong front just so that the back then naive teen would actually believe that she is doing well

It pains me to realize what a great mother she was

To be considerate of my feelings and lessen my worries even when she's in so much pain 

I wonder how does she feels back then when she knows that she will be leaving me

It must be painful for her. So so painful.

It's been long since I had an anxiety attack.

It scares me that I can't breathe, I can't make a single sound, I can't stop the tears from flowing, I can't stop gasping for air. 

I hate it when this happens to me. And I hate the weak person that I am.

Always spare someone somemore

I wish I knew what was going on in people minds when they harbor thoughts like "why bother?", "it's pointless", "forget it". How easily it was for people to give up on you when you stop being the person they used to enjoy with? It was never fair, but hasn't relationship taught us that its never meant to be self-absorbing, calculative? Putting my heart and soul into something and someone I truly cared and loved for even if at the end of the day, it's never well received. It's okay, isn't it?

It pains me how people give up at the toughest battles because it's always about individuality first then comes relationships.  It's so saddening how people perceives that their love was enough so there's no point in loving more for an entity who does not know how to reciprocate.
Who were the ones came out with the quota of giving? Who came up with how much one should ought to do before they stop?
You stop when your willpower fails you. When your desperation in self love is greater than your love for anyone/anything. I'm not implying to a toxic relationship that should have been ended before it pose as an threat in your wellbeing. I'm asking for more consideration, empathy, attention. Instead of occupying 24/7 for your own welfare, spare a little more than average for that special one.

I only fight for something/someone when I truly believed in it.
If you never once believe in it, precisely there's no point in wasting efforts because it will always be futile. If you believe in it, you come to consensus that it's okay if never worked out but the person once felt it so overwhelming then it's alright.

Worth it? Based on what measures do one weigh? Not others' opinions, not r/s goals.
It's worth it when it's a o strong that it lifts you up.

I'm so confused yet grateful by how you once taught me what kindness truly meant, what love felt like. Thank you for your greatest upbringing yet it brought me to see how the minds of others were never on the same string.

-----------
i wish i was the same so it's never so difficult

"Don't be nice to me because I'm afraid I can't treat you back the same way.
Don't be my safe haven that I will always seek comfort at because I may be overly reliant on you someday.
Don't be the hand that I will reach for at my breaking point because I may fall hard without your support someday.
Don't give your best effort because I may take it for granted and abuse it someday.
Don't prove me otherwise because I fear for the day that you will be the same just like the rest will come.
Don't be selfless in your love for me because I may be selfish enough to keep it all for myself.
Don't make me the happiest girl because I may be the saddest girl without you.

And when you are gone, I have to start all over again learning how to go back to my original position in a world without you.

Just like the sun, I'll be a hot mess for you to handle. The only thing you can do is to look away."

Her birthday

It's someone who first made me actually felt her unconditional love for me.
To made me realise what true love is all about. Not just your typical bgr, it was something deeper and meaningful.

God knows how long was the last time I saw her, I want to ask "how have you been?", "are you okay?" but it doesn't matter anymore. On what grounds, I am even allow to know about her circumstances? I am not befitting of any value for her at all.

I wish I had more to give. More love to provide her with, more concern to provide her with, more stability to protect her with, more strength to lift her up when she down, more positive vibes to shower her with. I wish I can give her my everything but then again, I have no attributes to serve. I was too lacking of everything she needed.
But honestly, I would love her with everything I have. I can't do anything to help but I will do anything without a doubt.

To see how she suffered right before my eyes, all the pains she endured through by herself, all the heartbreaking things that happened to her killed me. And I wonder how much is she hurting to experience all of those when witnessing it alone was enough for me?

I wish you could have selfishly kept the love you gave me for yourself.

Be happy, healthy, loved.
(you will always be in the 2nd place in my heart)

-

 

“The deeper the cut of sadness, the greater there is room for joy–I think they are very much related. It’s important to understand that you have the capacity always to accommodate for immense sorrow and immense joy, which is not just the pay off – it’s part of the whole experience.”
Sufjan Stevens

"An excuse"

For unable to divulge my soul because I forgot how to. For not sharing about myself because vulnerability is my biggest fear. For trusting in people and genuine love yet it fails me time and again. For unable to accept anything out of kindness because I don't know how to. For treating every heartfelt actions as mere gesture because it wouldn't hurt that much if it wasn't real. 

Yet, it's deem as an excuse?

An excuse that I cooked up because I'm selfish. Because others don't matter. Because I'm the heartless bitch who is unappreciative and ungrateful. 

Because you were never once in my shoes, you have never ever walk the same miles as I did, you will never truly understand my experience let only my emotions. You can always try to sympathize but that will never be the same because you are NOT me. 

So how are you in the position to say that it's an excuse?

Just because of your ignorance towards me, you view it as an excuse. So isn't it the same as you putting the word "excuse" on me as your excuse because you are unable to understand me the way you wish you could? For saying that I'm the "excuse" as I chose not to share for your excuse. 

This is why I'm so done with people. How dare you to have the audacity to bang on one's door and expecting the other party to open? Maybe, you don't think it's "barging" instead it's "politely requesting". 

Is that my fault again? For refusing to acknowledge your goodwill and kindness by being a stuck up bitch. 

Variation. Some behaviors/tones/moods may differ from one another because everyone feels differently and have fucking different perspective. As much I wish that i have the same neurons as everyone so that it will always be an instant "click", but thats often not the case right? That's why it's so hard to find that "love of your life" or the "right partner" which both of you shares the similar understanding not just towards each other but also towards other things in life so you can walk the rest of your lives together happily. 

Just because you apply the way you think it should be, it does not guarantee that the receiving party will feel it in the same sense. 

So how could I be the only one at fault? When it's never about whose being the selfish one because it's just different heartstring being strung? 

Too late

Maybe it's our different choices now

Maybe it's our different perspective now

We will never be the same anymore 

We grow up and grow apart from each other

Understand that you can't be my priority if I was never yours

Understand that our presence in each other's lives will never be value-added

Understand that I don't love you any lesser but different now 

Understand that I have grown so strong without you