"When I was younger, I used to hate her for leaving me just like that. For losing to the big C, I blame her for not fighting hard enough for me. I blame her for giving birth and leaving me alone in this world all by myself. I hated her for making me watch my own mother who have birthed to me die. I hated her for making me lose the only person who loved and cared unconditionally. But little did I know, her pains and her sufferings she had to went through.. Little did I know that despite how her sickness was tormenting her, she still put on her usual cheerful chirpy front to reassure me that "mommy's is getting better" with that smile on her face when I was helping her to the washroom that I will never forget. I hate how despite all those pains she was going through, she still cared for my feelings and lessen my worries.
Now that I'm older, If it was so painful for me to know that she's gonna leave me, I wonder how much painful it was for her then? To realize that she isn't that strong enough to defeat cancer, to realize that she's gonna make me become parent-less. I wonder how badly she must have felt abt herself.
That was when I realized that I lost a strong capable woman in my life. A lovely woman who brought me up singlehandedly.
I'm sorry for all the missed Mother's Days and birthdays. I'm sorry for the absence of dinners and presents. I'm sorry for not being a dutiful daughter when I had a chance to. And now it's all too late.
What's worse than being regretful is knowing the fact that no matter how much you wish time could turn back, it will never ever happen to me no matter how many times you cried in the middle of the night begging for God to please give her back to me. It's impossible and there's really nothing and nobody you can blame for the loss of your own mom not even the deadly Cancer because it's just a terminal illness. That's when you blame yourself. For not being able to protect the person that you loved.
They say that time will heals everything and with time, coping with the death of your loved ones gets easier. But how? How can you get used to it whenever you get flashbacks of how she was going to die? The truth is, you don't ever get to "recover" from it. It will stays with you a lifetime but it's okay to miss her and it's also okay for you to live your life happily because I know that that's what she would like me to.
I know this sound so cliche but really, cherish your parents and show them you love them before you will never get the chance to. Because one day, when you regret, it's gonna be so painful.
She will never hear this, but mom, I wish you know how much I need you and how much I miss you.
Thank you for giving me this life, for loving me and accepting a daughter like myself. Thank you for teaching me your selfless kindness, your humor, your generosity. I wish you are alive now so that I won't have to give this eulogy but. Ma, I love you so much."
//////////////////////////////
No comments:
Post a Comment