Sad

This whole month has been so suckish. I don't know why am I so weak. I really can't stand the routine of acting im happy and then cry to myself silently till I fall asleep. But happiness has been so far lately. I cry to my mom all night begging her to tell me what to do is the right way. There are so many times I would walk to the kitchen and stare at the knife. But no, I am a coward. I wouldn't have the guts to. What if one day I really can't take it anymore?I feel so burden and useless. Like my whole birth was a mistake. I should never exist in the world. I couldn't protect my mum and now I couldn't protect my godma. I caused all this. I have to admit I treat my godma even way better than my mom. But seeing her like this pains me, our wrecked r/s pains me. Seeing how weak and skinny she has been as the day goes on really break my heart and I can't do anything about it. Seeing how upset and stress she is about the r/s she had with my aunt really break my heart. What pains me most is the r/s I have had with her. It's like we can't be close anymore. I never wanted to leave her but leaving her seems like the best option. I hate myself. For being in this position. I hate how we couldn't have a normal healthy r/s and every time we meet up we have to act secretive. I hate how she couldn't be close to me because she is being held back by so many things. Yes I understand. That's why from now on I need to stop regarding for my own feelings and my own happiness. Even if, I have to carry on being like this for the rest of my life. I would be so to change for her happiness and get her out of her misery. Why am I forced to grow up so quickly. Why can't I be a normal teenager. I can't control my emotions like I used to. I can't think of my own happiness and put her in a difficult position. It's okay, I need to be strong. 

Pain

What type of crying hurts the most? It's the type when you can't cry it out loud and you have to take it all in to the extent that your whole body is shaking. The type of crying that is so silent that it hurts the most. The type of crying in the dark. The type of crying when you have to constantly stuff your blanket in your face. The silent crying hurts the most.

What really upsets me now is the relationship I have with someone whom is important to me. Did I really ruin this relationship I have with her? Did I really lose her? Why does it feels like the same four years ago when I lost her? Why does it feels like she is leaving me? I wish nights were shorter so I don't have to cry myself to sleep. I wish I knew what happened to her. I wish she would still tells me things and rant to me. I wish we were still the same. This is what I hate. I hate when I get attach to people and they leave me. Again and again. Can you please don't leave me? Don't ever leave me, will you? I hope this is just temporary and we will be fine. 

I'm not defying and not being rebellious to her. I didn't do it on purpose just because I was mad. I didn't do it because of what I heard. I did for myself. I didn't meant to break your heart. I am just not strong to face it. I don't have the courage and support I need at that time so I thought avoid would be the best. Saying that I don't care about her is not totally true, but I'm just numbed. I tried my best to act like a child and be funny and be childish because I see her as my aunt. But now, I feel like she is just my guardian and I'm indebt towards her for the rest of my life. I'm super appreciative for what she had done for me and I know I wouldn't have been here without her help. That's something I can never repay back. 

It hurts. It really hurts a lot. 

Home runaway

I can't believe I did such an absurd thing after 4 years. But I couldn't take it anymore. I just want be to reckless and thoughtless for once because being matured is too tiring.. I wanna be a impulsive and childish 15 years old..

Three parties hurt from this incident because I triggered it.. But how I can not to have any response nor reaction? I really don't know what to do.. All I ever want now is to exchange anything for the life of my mom. I just want to live our happy lives with just me and her. I will never never ask her to go and die. I'm so useless I can't even protect my own mom and now I can't protect my godma. Seeing how hurt she is really breaks my heart when I know I'm the cause behind it. I really don't deserve to be attached to anyone because they receive hurt but I receive love from them. I'm so unworthy for their presence. I made her even upset because of my actions. But who can understand me and my pain? It's so tiring and hurt for me to suppress my emotions I feel like I'm going mad. As much as I hate to see my aunt and my godma quarrel especially abt me and how upset they are, but I need my break too. I need to relieve my emotions. I need to get out of the cycle. And now I made my godma gulity just because of what she told me.. I hope she will still tell me things and not bottle up herself. I rather be the one suffering and suppressing my emotions than having her to suffer all these by herself. My relationship with my aunt has became a guardian. I don't know since when but she's no longer my aunt buy just my guardian who takes care of me till I'm legal. I know clearly that I shouldn't expect any love nor attention from her because she's not my mom, I know it but I can't help it sometimes. It's like a kid going up to their parents to request to buy a Barbie but the mom just said no straight in their faces. It's the disappointment and hurt I'm been getting. I told myself to get used to it. I told myself not to say anything that's not important to her anymore. Because I know she will never bother with insignificant details about me. But what I really don't understand is why does she wanna stop me from receiving love? Because I am really so unworthy? Just when I thought I found such underdlying love from my godma, she just wanna ruins it all. Why why why?! I don't understand. Am I destined not to receive love? Last time I received love from someone, she betrayed me and make me lose my trust. Just when I thought I finally found someone to provide me love that I always wanted, I just couldn't have it. Why must you stop me from my happiness? My godma, my friends. To me I clearly know that that was my happiest moments in my life. My godma, she's an important person in my life that I want to love and take care of her after knowing all the hardship she has been through. But the least I ever want to do is to see her crying and being upset because of me. But I did it, I made someone who cared about me cried when i was being the selfish one who decided to run away from the reality. How selfish can I be. Thankfully she can blame me for it, at least I'm the reason behind it but who can I blame for mine? No, I can't blame to those who loved me. It wasn't their mistake, it was mine. My presence, my selfishness, my recklessness, my childishness. Of all the times when gandie said "why am I not embarrassed?" when I went her house for stay over and Terence said that I was unrelated, I should have know it. I shouldn't get attached to anyone in my life. So I won't bring sadness for them. I must be independent on my both feets like what my aunt said, I shouldn't crave for things I don't deserve. Lastly, to my mom. After watching the show stranger housekeeper, I realized the position of a mom cannot be easily replaced. I'm so sorry to her because there was once she wasn't the first placing in my heart. I was so selfish to her. Just because someone who loves and cares for me, I shouldn't forget about you. I'm sorry. I finally understand now, it just us two. I shouldn't have accepted anyone in just because I was in the moment of happiness. Because they shouldn't see the vulnerable side of me, no one should ever know the deepest part of me. The pain and wounds should never be exposed. I hope things will be better, I hope my ganma is fine so is my aunt. I don't wanna see them suffering. I need to stay strong. I will never break down anymore. 

Outcast

Its beginning to feel like this is the only space where I can be myself.
I try my best not to think of negative thoughts and try to surround myself with ppl who loves me.
But, there is always something that will bring you down.
Locking this blog because I want this to be as private and personal as possible.
Just feel like pouring things out but not to anyone just to myself

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Why are some people so ungrateful? Why does it now seems like its all my fault? I am the one to be blamed. I really don't feel fit in at school at all. Is it because of my and my character thats why I am like that now? All along whenever you are upset or breakups, just one call during midnight I would stay up and listen to you.. When you are sick, I offered to accompany you to see the doctor.. But why do you make me feel like this now? Am I really such a suckish person? I feel really lost. It's like I no longer able to find the true happiness within. It really hurts me.. I feel like a fucking loser. Where everyday ended their major papers and have fun, I'm the only pathetic asshole that go home herself. I need to stop waddle in self-pity. Friends.. Do I really need them? After all, it's seems like I have no true friends around me anymore.. No one would ever stood by me.. I just feel really empty inside that no one will ever knows.. I never meant any ill intentions, I never wanted any fame or attention, I never wanted to put anyone down.. 

I feel pathetic 

I am a loser

I am never good enough

I am insignificant

I am deserving of all these shits

Angst

So fucking pissed all the time whenever I am not held up by anything. How my mac is working so slow because of the fucked up wifi and how every single just pisses me off. I am just so angry and angsty. Everything seems to gets on my nerve and I hate it!!! Major major hate hate hate it! Argh! Can someone invent something to cure my mood?? 

What's gone is all gone

No matter how much I try to visual you as my mom, I just can't do it. Whenever the thought that mom is dead always crumples me. I thought I will fine even after 4 years coming to 5. I thought I wouldn't need all these love again. All these love you gave to me was genuine but I am just confused and unsure about everything. As much as I want to view you as a motherly figure, there is always a voice at the back of my head telling me that you are not. This fears me a lot because I never thought I will ever let someone so close into my life. But whenever I thought of how you could just leave me and stop caring and just stop being close to me, I couldn't take such a huge blow. I wanted to cherish you. because I knew I wouldn't want to make the same mistake again because you are my loved ones. But because of such a huge part you played in my life, I wasn't ready for you to ever leave me. How we would text 24/7, how we would hang out together for the whole day, how we would have h2h talks, it's been the closest I have ever done that to anyone. I didn't have much friends that has been so close to with even the closest one left me. I knew friendships wasn't something for me to rely on anymore. This whole kinship is even more complex. I know how you always include me into everything just like your family, but deep down I know, there's no more mommy. I just can't help but to feel insecure and uncomfortable about it. 

I don't even exactly know what am I feeling right now. This is the vulnerable side that I never wanted people to see of me. I never wanted to hurt you in any way but I just don't know how to express my love for you. It's like at this moment I am enjoying your company but next moment I wake up from this dream and feel like shit. I didnt want to show you any attitude and I am absolutely can't even show you my greatest gratitude for you. I am so sorry to put you through all these.

Maybe everyone should just steer away from me. I just hurt every single one in every way possible. I am not deserving of all the love. So maybe it's time for to take a step back. I am not ready to accept all these love so quickly again. I don't really know how to deal with this emotions that I'm going through but I definitely hope that it is temporary. 

To my another mom X

Thankful for your presence. Thanks for your unconditional love for me. All the care and love that I thought it was gone forever ever since the passing of her, thanks for reliving it again for me. I never thought I will experience such love anymore. Thanks for regarding me as someone significant to you. Just when I lost all hopes and faith in humanity and friendships all went down on me, I got reminded of you. I will never make the same mistake twice, I will hold you dearly even when things aren't right because for you shown me the correct path. God hasn't been cruel, although he took my mom but He gave me another mom. 

Why doesn't people think what they does is actually hurtful? Why can people just so balantly disregard someone? I'm just losing all the faith in friendship. Just going to continue telling myself how much I don't need friends in my life, just when I was about to believe in friendships everything just crushes down now it doesn't even matter. No more hopes and wishful thinkings. Just gotta find a place where I can fit in. Maybe just maybe my next phase of life would be even better and I'm just undergoing obstacle that I will eventually overcome it. "I am strong" - I tell myself everyday.

O levels

Recently, I really don't know what's happening to me. I feel that I'm going to screw this major exam even before I took it. Yes, I can proudly say that I had work hard for the past 10 months. I can say that I am prepared for most of the papers at least. But why do I feel like a complete loser every night? It just sucks that every night I have to cry myself to sleep. The most amusing thing is that I have no idea what am I crying over. I really want to excel in this, I have come so far not to flop my Os. Everynight I just can't fall asleep then I feel like a complete loser crying to myself and thinking that why am I wasting my time by not studying. I really hope this go away soon. I can't afford to lose it at this thin margin. I need to be strong and positive. Where are all my positive vibes? I need all of them now. I need to pick myself up and stop being such a pussy. 

To the 2.5 months older me, I hope you like what you see on the results slip. I know it's not easy but you made it through. Well done. 

Wanting it so badly

30 days to Os.

The last final lap that marks the end of my secondary education. I really want to do well and get into a JC because I have to get into an uni. I'm doing this for myself and for my mom. I want her to be proud of myself that I am able to be independent in the future. Please grant me more discipline and motivation. I need to work extra hard than others and not spend my time sleeping while ppl are studying. This journey is tough but I'm gonna excel. I'm been working so hard because I really want this badly. I really hope at the end of the day hard work pays off.Good luck and all the best to I.  

M&M

So it was my cousin's Miko and her current husband Marco wedding on Monday. I was very looking forward to that day because they have been tgt for 10 years and they are really very nice couple. Just very happy for them and wishing them a blissful marriage life ahead. I hope things in life are just so magical like this forever. My heart was practically filled with love for them. Couldn't been more happy for them. (':

:)

Shall start documenting happy things that happened in my life that I'm grateful for. 

Today is a happy day. 

Actually, I don't even know how to start this post. But do you ever feel so hurt that all you want to do is to avoid it? I really hate school. I don't mean the learning and teachers. I just hate everyone around. I hate how people make me feel of myself. Saying nasty things and backstabbing you, why did people become like this? No one left to trust. Nothing worst than being hurt by someone really dearly and close to you. I gave it all out, but time after time you ruin it again. You have turned into person I do not know anymore. Can I be selfish like everyone and say "I'm tired" so I can stop trying? Or is it that I'm not deserving enough to enjoy the good in my life? Why must people constantly make me feel like trash? Why is it no one bothers to stop and care for me? I couldn't do this anymore.. I have never been so crushed before. As I'm typing this, tears used to roll down but no longer now. It just hurts so badly.. I'm just like a ball being kick around by everyone.. It's not that I didn't realize that the world is so cruel, I knew it all along. I just didn't know friends can just turn their backs on you anytime. Maybe I'm not a good friend at all.. I shan't talk to people abt this, I shan't give my comments.. Sometimes I wonder do you feel like what I felt when I did those things? Many said its just that I'm too sensitive, but am I? Too sensitive of how people feel? Should I just stop doing? Why can't someone else fight for me instead? I'm really sick of all these girls drama.. Why can't people just stop it.. I'm so lost.. Just like a bird with no sense of direction.. I don't know what to do anymore.. 

Be strong

If only I can express myself without the considerations of hurting someone at the back of my mind.
If only I could learn how to speak up and stand up for what I want without any fears.

Random musings

Initially, I was preparing to start on my work then I got distracted. I began to open my cupboard which is filled with kind words and encouraging messages. As I was reading through the letters/post its/cards that I received from over the years, it brought a wide smile across my face and I never felt so happy before. It was the genuine care and love that people have for one another. Although it might be just a few simple words that people have abused or even the handwriting that rushed thru, I never knew it can mean so much. I'm really enjoying the aftermath of reading heartwarming and lovely messages. Again, it has proven me that human are not that hypocrite and gives me hope in trusting and loving people around me. Some of these messages that I had received were even from people that I walk past everyday without glancing or even my ex-classmates when we used to have so much fun together and now we barely even look into each other's eyes. It makes me feel very guilty of myself. Why have I taken all these people for granted? Why was I so selfish to portray my negativity and affect people around me? Writing a simple card takes barely a few mins and I realized the number of times I have handwritten a card was less than 5.. How shameful.. It's such a simple joy in life to receive nice and positive words from people. I am so thankful to received cards from people I can't even bothered to start with. People who just bypassed my life and yet bother to left down such simple yet impactful words to me. Yet I don't even do it myself, often in my head I bare a "I'm not such a person" excuse and welcome life. But in fact I'm wrong, yes it may be difficult for me, but the smile when people receive your card is just priceless. So many times, we take writing of cards to people as a hassle, something that we just want to rush through. But in fact, writing a card is not as simple as it is, conveying your thoughts that you wish to bring across to the other person is not that easy. Also, things that are handwritten really differentiate how thoughtful and sincere you are. Words are interesting, it allows you to fall into a trap if you spoke the wrong thing and yet it can bring upon magical experiences to the receiver. Words are the most handy tool for us to generate kind thoughts to others, providing us the most comfortable platform to express ourselves. To me, words that came from the bottom of the heart meant the most. I don't need fancy compliments, I need someone who can point out my imperfections and perfections. Tonight is a great night, a night that allows me for self-reflection and self-clarification. Nights like this is was I appreciate the most, alone times with mind flooding with philosophy of life. I wish I can be a better person never than before. So from today, lets start by writing small cards to people around you and bringing joy to everyone with a smile. 

Till then X

To give or to take

This has always been a question in my mind. It is better to take or is it better to give. It varies a lot from people to people. 5 months into 2013, but I've gained and lost a lot. Through all these life changing lessons I have gone through, it may or may not make me a better person. Moreover, you decide what's a better person fo' yourself. Sometimes, many would like to be the strong one to give a lot and not hope for any return but in a long run, it really destroys a person. Simply because there's no one on earth who is able to give so much to others having no one to spare a lil for themselves. Also, those who receive may just take it for granted. Ultimately, I believe giving and taking is mutual ways. Both parties must give and take, there's no such thing as being the hero because you would suffer in the end. That's when things fall apart. 

Is being selfish good? 

If only I can be selfish and be oblivious to what others have to think of me. If only I can pretend that others' feelings doesn't matters to me. If only I am ignorant enough not to see the bigger picture. Maybe then I can dismiss all the negativity out and gain happiness out of it. Till then X.

It feels nostalgia to type on the keyboard again. Been living through books. If only I can go into hibernation with books and tea. Till then X

Sometimes when people say “I love you, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, ‘till death do us part”, what they really mean is, “I will love you until I feel like it, until problems arise, until we fight and until it gets hard - then I’ll stop.” That’s the thing. We only love people until we feel like it. We only stick with them while things are flawless. We leave the moment things get hard. We commit to people based on how we feel at the moment. We let our feelings tell us what to do. But that’s not what love is about. When you love someone, you don’t leave them even when they’re at their worst, you don’t give up even when the world concludes your other half as hopeless, you stick with them and you do everything for them even at that time when they can do nothing for you. Cause that’s what love means. Giving when you receive nothing, staying when everyone left, loving without being loved and sometimes it means choosing them over everything, even yourself.