What's gone is all gone

No matter how much I try to visual you as my mom, I just can't do it. Whenever the thought that mom is dead always crumples me. I thought I will fine even after 4 years coming to 5. I thought I wouldn't need all these love again. All these love you gave to me was genuine but I am just confused and unsure about everything. As much as I want to view you as a motherly figure, there is always a voice at the back of my head telling me that you are not. This fears me a lot because I never thought I will ever let someone so close into my life. But whenever I thought of how you could just leave me and stop caring and just stop being close to me, I couldn't take such a huge blow. I wanted to cherish you. because I knew I wouldn't want to make the same mistake again because you are my loved ones. But because of such a huge part you played in my life, I wasn't ready for you to ever leave me. How we would text 24/7, how we would hang out together for the whole day, how we would have h2h talks, it's been the closest I have ever done that to anyone. I didn't have much friends that has been so close to with even the closest one left me. I knew friendships wasn't something for me to rely on anymore. This whole kinship is even more complex. I know how you always include me into everything just like your family, but deep down I know, there's no more mommy. I just can't help but to feel insecure and uncomfortable about it. 

I don't even exactly know what am I feeling right now. This is the vulnerable side that I never wanted people to see of me. I never wanted to hurt you in any way but I just don't know how to express my love for you. It's like at this moment I am enjoying your company but next moment I wake up from this dream and feel like shit. I didnt want to show you any attitude and I am absolutely can't even show you my greatest gratitude for you. I am so sorry to put you through all these.

Maybe everyone should just steer away from me. I just hurt every single one in every way possible. I am not deserving of all the love. So maybe it's time for to take a step back. I am not ready to accept all these love so quickly again. I don't really know how to deal with this emotions that I'm going through but I definitely hope that it is temporary.