So mentally draining and aching xxx
I wish I didn't have to feel this way
I wish I was the only main lead

Changes

I haven't felt happy with the current state of myself for awhile. Don't get me wrong, I do laugh at stupid jokes everyday and poking fun at my intern mates. It gets me through everytime at least when I'm not alone.
I can't really pinpoint if it's the moving from where used to be so familiar till a place when the only transport out is via car if it's heavy rain zzzz.
I know I might sound like an ungrateful brat but I thankful that I'm given a roof and a room that can store anything..

It's been 5 months and going 6 months of the change in my relationship status. A part of me just naturally care and love for my partner because loving is what makes the world a better place right?
But I'm frustrated with how things are like.
Or rather, with myself.
I hate how I feel so deprived of myself. I feel so lacking of time. How I no longer watch videos on YouTube anymore. How I don't spend time sitting down and surfing the net. How I don't read random articles anymore.

When I do finally have time, I'm so tired. I'm not tired of having to love someone, I'm tired of not loving myself enough. Maybe I'm indeed self-centered, I miss how it used to be just 100% attention on myself.

心很烦

I would normally brush off feeling like these within minutes and be completely alright.
For me to enter this outlet, it really means I need more than just an ice cream or online shopping which didn't work like it used to.
It is so weird that I can't put any words on it. I don't know the source of this feeling. Maybe it's from the recent addition in my life.
Maybe it's just a change in my life that I am currently experiencing a sudden realization?
Maybe my focus on myself has been shifted?
I don't know.
There's so much commotion going in my mind that is so unclear and senseless.
I just wish for this feeling to go away~~~~~~~
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I know what I'm feeling.
Disturbed. Interrupted. Confined.
Perhaps due to the shifting to a new environment with a smaller living space, I get so choked up by the lack of spaces like I used to enjoy. I feel so stuffy with my stuffs not being in places I wish it could be at. I feel that my life has been interrupted with a new comer in my life, in a pleasant way definitely but I still feel so choked up inside.

Public Speaking class

"When I was younger, I used to hate her for leaving me just like that. For losing to the big C, I blame her for not fighting hard enough for me. I blame her for giving birth and leaving me alone in this world all by myself. I hated her for making me watch my own mother who have birthed to me die. I hated her for making me lose the only person who loved and cared unconditionally. But little did I know, her pains and her sufferings she had to went through.. Little did I know that despite how her sickness was tormenting her, she still put on her usual cheerful chirpy front to reassure me that "mommy's is getting better" with that smile on her face when I was helping her to the washroom that I will never forget. I hate how despite all those pains she was going through, she still cared for my feelings and lessen my worries.
Now that I'm older, If it was so painful for me to know that she's gonna leave me, I wonder how much painful it was for her then? To realize that she isn't that strong enough to defeat cancer, to realize that she's gonna make me become parent-less. I wonder how badly she must have felt abt herself.

That was when I realized that I lost a strong capable woman in my life. A lovely woman who brought me up singlehandedly.

I'm sorry for all the missed Mother's Days and  birthdays. I'm sorry for the absence of dinners and presents. I'm sorry for not being a dutiful daughter when I had a chance to. And now it's all too late.

What's worse than being regretful is knowing the fact that no matter how much you wish time could turn back, it will never ever happen to me no matter how many times you cried in the middle of the night begging for God to please give her back to me. It's impossible and there's really nothing and nobody you can blame for the loss of your own mom not even the deadly Cancer because it's just a terminal illness. That's when you blame yourself. For not being able to protect the person that you loved.

They say that time will heals everything and with time, coping with the death of your loved ones gets easier. But how? How can you get used to it whenever you get flashbacks of how she was going to die? The truth is, you don't ever get to "recover" from it. It will stays with you a lifetime but it's okay to miss her and it's also okay for you to live your life happily because I know that that's what she would like me to.

I know this sound so cliche but really, cherish your parents and show them you love them before you will never get the chance to. Because one day, when you regret, it's gonna be so painful.

She will never hear this, but mom, I wish you know how much I need you and how much I miss you.
Thank you for giving me this life, for loving me and accepting a daughter like myself. Thank you for teaching me your selfless kindness, your humor, your generosity. I wish you are alive now so that I won't have to give this eulogy but. Ma, I love you so much."

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Reason

I realized the reason why I missed my mom so much is because of how she was the only person who loved and cared for me unconditionally. My mother is the only person who will always accept all my flaws and never loved me less.

She won't shortchange her love for me just because I overslept all the time, just becos I have shitty skin or I am flat chested.

More importantly, she won't ask anything for return. She won't have hidden motives. She won't do anything to hurt me.

I missed her so much because of how I have to wary for people and it's so tiring. To constant think whether this person has any bad intentions.

I missed having a to trust in someone entirely. I lost that privilege.

Unwell

Whenever I'm falling ill, I got reminded of her 

The pain that I'm experiencing is nothing compared to hers

Feigning a strong front just so that the back then naive teen would actually believe that she is doing well

It pains me to realize what a great mother she was

To be considerate of my feelings and lessen my worries even when she's in so much pain 

I wonder how does she feels back then when she knows that she will be leaving me

It must be painful for her. So so painful.

It's been long since I had an anxiety attack.

It scares me that I can't breathe, I can't make a single sound, I can't stop the tears from flowing, I can't stop gasping for air. 

I hate it when this happens to me. And I hate the weak person that I am.

Always spare someone somemore

I wish I knew what was going on in people minds when they harbor thoughts like "why bother?", "it's pointless", "forget it". How easily it was for people to give up on you when you stop being the person they used to enjoy with? It was never fair, but hasn't relationship taught us that its never meant to be self-absorbing, calculative? Putting my heart and soul into something and someone I truly cared and loved for even if at the end of the day, it's never well received. It's okay, isn't it?

It pains me how people give up at the toughest battles because it's always about individuality first then comes relationships.  It's so saddening how people perceives that their love was enough so there's no point in loving more for an entity who does not know how to reciprocate.
Who were the ones came out with the quota of giving? Who came up with how much one should ought to do before they stop?
You stop when your willpower fails you. When your desperation in self love is greater than your love for anyone/anything. I'm not implying to a toxic relationship that should have been ended before it pose as an threat in your wellbeing. I'm asking for more consideration, empathy, attention. Instead of occupying 24/7 for your own welfare, spare a little more than average for that special one.

I only fight for something/someone when I truly believed in it.
If you never once believe in it, precisely there's no point in wasting efforts because it will always be futile. If you believe in it, you come to consensus that it's okay if never worked out but the person once felt it so overwhelming then it's alright.

Worth it? Based on what measures do one weigh? Not others' opinions, not r/s goals.
It's worth it when it's a o strong that it lifts you up.

I'm so confused yet grateful by how you once taught me what kindness truly meant, what love felt like. Thank you for your greatest upbringing yet it brought me to see how the minds of others were never on the same string.

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i wish i was the same so it's never so difficult