"Don't be nice to me because I'm afraid I can't treat you back the same way.
Don't be my safe haven that I will always seek comfort at because I may be overly reliant on you someday.
Don't be the hand that I will reach for at my breaking point because I may fall hard without your support someday.
Don't give your best effort because I may take it for granted and abuse it someday.
Don't prove me otherwise because I fear for the day that you will be the same just like the rest will come.
Don't be selfless in your love for me because I may be selfish enough to keep it all for myself.
Don't make me the happiest girl because I may be the saddest girl without you.

And when you are gone, I have to start all over again learning how to go back to my original position in a world without you.

Just like the sun, I'll be a hot mess for you to handle. The only thing you can do is to look away."

Her birthday

It's someone who first made me actually felt her unconditional love for me.
To made me realise what true love is all about. Not just your typical bgr, it was something deeper and meaningful.

God knows how long was the last time I saw her, I want to ask "how have you been?", "are you okay?" but it doesn't matter anymore. On what grounds, I am even allow to know about her circumstances? I am not befitting of any value for her at all.

I wish I had more to give. More love to provide her with, more concern to provide her with, more stability to protect her with, more strength to lift her up when she down, more positive vibes to shower her with. I wish I can give her my everything but then again, I have no attributes to serve. I was too lacking of everything she needed.
But honestly, I would love her with everything I have. I can't do anything to help but I will do anything without a doubt.

To see how she suffered right before my eyes, all the pains she endured through by herself, all the heartbreaking things that happened to her killed me. And I wonder how much is she hurting to experience all of those when witnessing it alone was enough for me?

I wish you could have selfishly kept the love you gave me for yourself.

Be happy, healthy, loved.
(you will always be in the 2nd place in my heart)

-

 

“The deeper the cut of sadness, the greater there is room for joy–I think they are very much related. It’s important to understand that you have the capacity always to accommodate for immense sorrow and immense joy, which is not just the pay off – it’s part of the whole experience.”
Sufjan Stevens

"An excuse"

For unable to divulge my soul because I forgot how to. For not sharing about myself because vulnerability is my biggest fear. For trusting in people and genuine love yet it fails me time and again. For unable to accept anything out of kindness because I don't know how to. For treating every heartfelt actions as mere gesture because it wouldn't hurt that much if it wasn't real. 

Yet, it's deem as an excuse?

An excuse that I cooked up because I'm selfish. Because others don't matter. Because I'm the heartless bitch who is unappreciative and ungrateful. 

Because you were never once in my shoes, you have never ever walk the same miles as I did, you will never truly understand my experience let only my emotions. You can always try to sympathize but that will never be the same because you are NOT me. 

So how are you in the position to say that it's an excuse?

Just because of your ignorance towards me, you view it as an excuse. So isn't it the same as you putting the word "excuse" on me as your excuse because you are unable to understand me the way you wish you could? For saying that I'm the "excuse" as I chose not to share for your excuse. 

This is why I'm so done with people. How dare you to have the audacity to bang on one's door and expecting the other party to open? Maybe, you don't think it's "barging" instead it's "politely requesting". 

Is that my fault again? For refusing to acknowledge your goodwill and kindness by being a stuck up bitch. 

Variation. Some behaviors/tones/moods may differ from one another because everyone feels differently and have fucking different perspective. As much I wish that i have the same neurons as everyone so that it will always be an instant "click", but thats often not the case right? That's why it's so hard to find that "love of your life" or the "right partner" which both of you shares the similar understanding not just towards each other but also towards other things in life so you can walk the rest of your lives together happily. 

Just because you apply the way you think it should be, it does not guarantee that the receiving party will feel it in the same sense. 

So how could I be the only one at fault? When it's never about whose being the selfish one because it's just different heartstring being strung? 

Too late

Maybe it's our different choices now

Maybe it's our different perspective now

We will never be the same anymore 

We grow up and grow apart from each other

Understand that you can't be my priority if I was never yours

Understand that our presence in each other's lives will never be value-added

Understand that I don't love you any lesser but different now 

Understand that I have grown so strong without you

"Despite the people that say or do the wrong things, you learn who really cares about you and who really is there. They say a tragedy always shows you who your real friends are, and this couldn’t be more true in this situation. Many people can't handle this difficult tragedy, and end up walking away from you. Let them. They aren’t good enough to be there if they can’t find the strength to stay for you and support you. It’s difficult to accept, because it’s at a time when you need all the love and support you can get, but with time you learn to let go and realize it’s for the best."

Lunch Thoughts

Today's lunch by myself.

Initial thoughts: little generosity given, wish the server could have given more, irritating kailan stuck in my braces with every bite I take.

Subsequent thoughts: this caifen is a mistake cost $3:80 with smelly pork, little portions and irritating veggie. Well, at least the rice weren't wrong. How bad can rice be right?  

Final thoughts: thankful for this plate of food in front of me - serves as a reminder for people struggling in hunger. This plate of food worth so much more than my thoughts.

Grown up

You know when you have grown up when it's alright to be alone when you are sick.

You know it's alright to spend lesser time with friends and family.

You know it's alright to whatapps lesser people.

You know it's alright to keep your thoughts and opinions to yourself.

You know it's alright to feel a certain way.

So... Have I grown up?

Maybe I didn't love you

Maybe I didn't love you enough

That I forgot all those times you would put in efforts to find me

That I forgot all those hand drawn cards and gifts

That I forgot the many times how you had the thoughts surprising me just to make me happy

That I forgot the many times how you bear with listening of my difficulties

That I have the audacity to confiscate your rights to be unhappy 

That I pointed out how people out there are suffering over survival yet we are merely complaining about our privileged lives cause of studies 

That I failed to not let you see how people around you whom you think are you best of pals viewed you

That I was the culprit behind your poor performance in terms of acadamics and wellbeing while I was supporting you through fleasible methods 

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it up to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully around with hobbies and little luxuries, avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken. It will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable." 

That is why I will never learn to love anymore again. Never to divulge the darkest and deepest of my soul. Never to feel any single sense of affection for mankind. To selfishly, loving myself as an entity. 

Tolerance

Work my own money and save money for my self-funded oversea trip? Got called for not prioritizing my studies because I chose play over studies. Wtf?

If I go around getting money from adults, I will be called as too dependent on adults. Make my own fucking instant and unhealthy dinner? Got commented as being lazy to eat proper food. Fuck off. If you really care for my fucking wellbeing and health, you don't fucking just comment on whatever the fuck I'm eating. You fucking get food for me then.

Guess what? I don't need any of your fucking opinions/comments over what I do. Whether I fucking fail in my life or I decided to be hardworking in my life, just know that it has nothing to do with any of you. In any case, just know that how I have no motivations in life is because of how you always make me feel like fuck. So much so that I just wanna sleep and not wake up to any of your bullshit. One thing about all this fucked up household, no matter what you do, at the end of the day, you will always be seen as "bad" in their eyes. 

I have long learnt that I don't give a fuck about the opinions of these people because these toxicity that they give off is not needed. 

These days, my eyes went haywired...

There's no retakes in life.

Why do we keep thinking about the past when nothing can be changed?

Why don't we look forward to the future and do the best we can we be contented? 

Why do I keep grieving over my losses when I can count my blessings?

If only....

If only, my parents didn't separate.

If only, my mom is still alive.

If only, I went into a JC.

If only, I major in sciences.

If only, I continued my singing and dancing classes.

Defense Mechanism

Sometimes I secretly wish that my mom and dad are in a hiding. They will appear in my life when I'm 30 and apologize for not being there for me when I was younger. I will be frustrated and blamed them for leaving me alone. But I realize it's impossible. I will never be able to have a chance to blame anyone or even God for taking them away from me. 

-

I don't know what's wrong with me but I'm developing this stupid habit of being unable to sleep on my own bed... It's just so hard for me to fall asleep despite being an abnormal human who needs lots of sleep... I could normally fall asleep in this state when I'm tired and drowsy.. Hmmm... Guess it's sofa again tonight. Okay this stupid rant over sleep is cracking me up.

Still ashamed

My instinct tells me to hide away whenever I sees you. My morals still reminds me of how shameful I am to face you. But utimately, I still really miss you. Or perhaps I miss us and I miss our friendship. Do well in school and achieve what you always wanted. You are such a bright child who is just unsure of expressing yourself. Be blessed with lots of love and happiness and bloom merrily.  

My dearest S

Drowning

Really hate to admit I'm in depression and I hate how this vulnerable side of me is prevailing in front of others. Why is my default mood — sad? The future is aimless and uncertain. The road ahead is unclear. 

Thoughts b4 bed

I always thought I'm independent enough to have a meal alone which I obviously have done so umpteen times. However, I just had a sudden thought in my mind. I scanned through a list of people in my mind. I realized there's not many people I would want to sit down with and have a decent meal in a cafe/restaurant/coffeeshop setting. Because sometimes it's easier to not talk to anyone than finding the right person to talk to. Now, I finally understood how hard it is to find a companion for a meal. It's not finding a somebody, it's finding that someone. Guess I will just enjoy meals by my own although it meant that I would not have the appetite to order the whole menu. 

---------

Numerous scenes of people drinking and behaving (feigning) like a drunkard is common (probably sound as though I have seen a lot but I don't).

Why is using the term "intoxicated" an excuse for people to behave the way they truly wish to be like?

What's the need for explaination to seek empathy and understanding? 

If there's a need for explaination, doesn't it implies that your morals and guilt is knocking on your senses? If so, that means you know it's incorrect, then why behave so?

I always believe if you still can walk and talk, you are still conscious. That means you are clearly aware of the situation and you possess the commands of your behaviour.

Sometimes, we all just need to admit that we are fucked up and not blame it on the alcohol unless you are goddamn wasted.

It's not that bad facing the other side of you that you never once prevail to the world. These people makes me ponder their souls and how much it's been lacking.

Skin woes

It's so frustrating how I'm constantly battling with skin issues... It really scares me whenever the thought of how my skin will never be like how it used to be 4 years ago... I don't know why is my natural skin barrier so damaged now that it is unable to restore and repair on its own..

Also, using chemical products worries me that it may only cause my skin to be more sensitive and further breakdown the skin's natural way of repairing thus making it more photosensitive to uv rays.

By using mild products, results are hardly visible and it may eventually become stagnant... Sigh... All I really wish is to obtain an even skin tone and texture without the redness caused by post inflammatory hyperpigmentation. 

To be achieved:

• Save $2000 by the end of this year 
• Fix skin
• Fix teeth
• Read 10 books (or more) by the end of this year
• Focus on academics in y3 (hit CGPA 3.2 by sea 3.1)

I am hoping to be more enthusiastic in my own life and take charge of my wellbeing.

Seeking for the passion and diligent bug in me that I have misplaced...

I'll be the greatest lover for myself 

At the age of 18

At the age of 18, I tell myself that I don't need any love as long as I love myself. I do things to love myself. I buy things to love myself. I eat to love myself. I sleep to love myself. 

But watching shows that emphasize on family and kinship makes me realize that I miss my mom so much and I wish I had a dad....

How can he be totally out of contact with his daughter? Doesn't he want to know how am I doing? Why is that dads who leave their kids for work for 3 months are already missing their child badly and can't wait to be back?

Where are you when I need you?

Where are the piggybacks?

Argh. Fml I don't want to have swollen eyes for CNY day 2 zzz

Happy Birthday, Mi

You would be 57 years old this year 

如果你还在，今天的我就不是我

如果你还在，我们俩就会在老家

I miss you.

I'm sorry. 

2015

This year has been taking a toll on me mentally, emotionally and physically.

The acne episode has killed my confidence and I am still in the midst of recovering from this huge trauma. I think it is a lesson from God to teach me not to be overconfident in terms of my appearance. It also taught to be sympathetic towards how others who faced such insecurity because they can't control their skin.

I have lost people whom I loved so much in this year. Again, I question myself how horrible a human being I must have been for people to leave me so easily.

Thankful for those who have stayed throughout. You taught me how to be such a beautiful soul although I am nowhere near your level of kindness, unselfishness, gracefulness. Thank you for being such kind people in my life that I don't deserve.

I won't hope for newly forged friendships in this year to be great because I will make it better.



Thats all.