Good riddance

Third year in consecutive so I can officially declare that I hate my birthday.

It's the day where I spent the day distracted from such thoughts but it will still get back to me at the end of the day when I'm alone in the living or shower.

It's the day I get reminded how I'm being abandoned by my parents and people whom I love deeply. It's the day that reminds me of my mom the most. How she gave birth to me on this very day yet she was never here with me since 8 years ago and on... I ask myself why do I still need to be on this earth when no one wants me. My existence caused my parents to leave me, my aunt and godma to be in dire situation, my close friends who are disappointed in me. So what's the point?

I fell a lot this year. I learnt how to get back up by myself without anyone. I learnt how I am the only friend to myself. Each passing year taught me how to be a colder and harder person to reject love and to be loved.

It's not about wearing a mask, it's when you wear the mask for too long and when it's time to take off, you get lost and confused. So you put the mask back on because it's too scary to be who you truly are. 

I lost myself 8 years ago when I lost you. Now I don't know who I am. 

My take on a toxic relationship

I have finally mustered enough courage to withdraw myself from this year long emotionally draining toxic relationship with a guy who isn't able to love me.
Thank you to the only person who has been supporting me since the start and been with me through ups and downs despite all the mean stuffs I have done to hurt him.

Deep inside, I knew that it was a mistake right from the start because I was just like him.
I was just as superficial and impulsive like him.
We were unable to differentiate love from lust.
He was happy because it was his first official relationship. I was happy because I found myself a prized possession that I thought I could show him off to the world.

What he needed was someone to accompany him and satisfy his needs and desires on what he deem as "relationship" even if it means to feigning his concern for me just so to get what he wants.
What I needed was someone who possess the same level of my thinking, someone who can understand my erratic behaviour and someone who I don't have to alter myself to receive the love that I crave for.
I needed someone who is mentally and emotionally capable to deal with my broken pieces. Someone who is able to love and care for me truly, fully, wholeheartedly without any intention or any reciprocation in return.

However, I realised we were both on different levels.
I was too difficult for him to deal with. I was bringing him too much pain and misery. I was bringing unhappiness alongside with my existence in his life. I was too complex for his understanding. My personality was not what he is able to deal with. My character was unable to accommodate to his level. So one day, I decided I should let him go.
I should not hold him back anymore.
If I were to love him, I should let him find his soul mate that was meant for him.
The first step I did was to make it easy for him to stop loving me, which was to let him hated me to the core. I started being selfish and said things that were nasty.

My plan was a success. He hated me.
I thought I should be happy about how easy my plan went. But no, I wasn't even the slightest happy.
I was unhappy at that period of time. I was thinking, "How easy was it for him to stop loving me just like that? How easy was it for him to give up on me just like that without any hesitant?". He removed me away from his life within 24hours from his breakup phone call that I kept silent throughout - from social medias, to our chats, to what once was initially Bae back to my name just like a normal friend, to telling the whole world about it.
That was not the end.
He portrayed himself as the pitiful victim who was unfortunately ended up with a girl like myself who hurt him so badly.
What I was left with was pain from him, shame from people around us. I cried because the person I loved did not love me back at all. The person that I gave my everything to disgustingly victimised himself to everyone who knew about us. I did not know how to face any of them.
I fear stepping into school knowing that people knew what happened to us. I fear judgements from people who don't matter because of the tales he told them.

I was breaking apart.

The person who I did not give up time and again when I had all the reasons to, gave up on me.
The selfish person who places what he craves from a superficial relationship above my wellbeing, my studies, my mental health. It was scary to think of whatever thoughtful things he has done has an intention behind and I was foolish enough to make it easy for him by brainwashing myself into everything he has done was genuine.
He convinced me how much he cared for me with his words and I fell for it. I lied to myself so much that I started believing in myself.
However, every now and then, I get sudden realisation with the help of my friends from the clearer state of myself exposing his ugly lies that I told myself to believe in.
The person who knew everything has always been trying his best to bring me back into senses but I was stubborn, I was insisting on my faith in him. I was not ready to give up just yet. I want to fight for him despite all odds against me.

The next thing I have done was foolish. I wanted him back immediately.
I regretted my decision.
I was too desperate for him.
I was devastated.
I lost myself. I was all alone because no one else knew about it except that friend of me.
I begged him back. I explained to him. I clarified to him.
I divulged my secrets to him one of which was telling him the existence of this blog so that he could understand me better by reading all my heart-felt posts from the past but I doubt he still remembers about it. This blog may means nothing to him but it was a platform for me to heal my wounds that no one knows about. It was a big mistake that I have made to disclose the darkest and painful side of me to someone who do not care. I bare my soul to the wrong person.

Below are the things I have never told anyone about to protect him and to save his dignity.
I do not think I am a saint in keeping quiet about shits he has done after all this is my own platform to voice out whatever I want. I was stupid enough to keep my silence before but I will break it now.
What was disgusting was he judged my friends when he barely met them when I have always tried my best to fit into his group of friends. I stepped out of my comfort zone and overcame my fear for dogs for him. I accepted his family who intimidates me and tried my best to be as comfortable as I could.
I have always said great things about what he had done for me to my friends because I rather them to think of me as the horrible girlfriend whereas he is the O'mighty boyfriend. He went around talking to people who knew about us and caused people to create a false image of me based on his pitiful words. He said shits about the two closest people that I loved my whole life — my bff and godma when they have been nothing but kind to him.

That was the second biggest regret in my life.
What was I thinking when I allowed and forgave him saying such nasty things about the people I loved when they have been nothing but the best towards him? Why did I gave someone a chance to hurt people whom I cherish the most? Why was I in a relationship with a monster like him?

Because of the delusional state I was in before, I lost a dear friend due to a misunderstanding that we had. I hurt her badly by not protecting her when nasty things about her was said by him.
Till date, I am still very sorry towards her.

He told me to be more patient and tolerant towards him. I did.
I guided him and corrected him when he was uncertain. I gave the most sounding advices whenever he faces difficulties.
I was not just a girlfriend in his life. I was his pillar of support, his mother, his best friend.
I was the best I could ever be for him.

At this point in time, I realised it wasn't his immaturity that was unbearable.
It was his evil nature.
He may not have a heart of gold but instead it was a heart filled with evil nasty beliefs.
That was beyond my reach.
I did not have the competency to deal with him anyone.
I do not want to be with a guy who do not know how to love me. I do not want to be with a guy who does not follow any principles in life. I do not want to be with a guy with no ambitions in life. I do not want to have a future with insecurities with a guy who do not fight for me as much as I fought for him.

I was in wrong.
I was selfish and unfair towards him.
I forced myself to love every bits of him when I only fell for his appearance. I did not love his character. I felt annoyed towards his "wittiness". The aspects that he lacks in was what I am seeking for. All I wanted was the esteem boast by being with him because of the lack of self-esteem from my appearance. I wanted the pride from others as "Instagram couple" envied by all.
I am sorry that my selfish needs had caused you so much suffering.

To you who shared this journey with me,
I do not blame you neither do I hate you. I only hate myself for my inability to hold onto my promises with you. I am sorry for not supporting you till the very end and to witness the growth in you. I wish you can find someone who is more capable to love you better than I do.
Someone who has the ability to spark a positive change in you that I failed to.
I wish that you will be a better person.
I wish you all the best in your future.
I hope you learn as much I as did from this journey. Thank you for your temporary happiness and effort that you put in this r/s but I am looking for something greater now.
Lastly, thank you for giving me this unforgettable experience that I will never forget.

This post was not meant to seek your sympathy or concern. Although it may seem biased and unfair, but it was my own experience of my toxic relationship with him. I wanted to document this relationship that I have been through to remind myself that I am much stronger now. I will not settle for anything less. I will not shortchange myself of the love that i deserve.
I deserve so much more than this.
I have the rights to be loved as much as I love.
I am being brave and kind to myself by ending this.

From now on, I will be strong by myself.

原来我连一句敷衍的”谢谢”都不值。。。我。。我到底有多失败啊

最近觉得自己像8频道的9点戏的女主角，杜均宁无法控制自己的嘴巴。说的话都是真心话伤害别人。。不知道为何无法像以前一样忍耐。怎么办。。

我不要一个不会为我坚持到底，奋斗不息，半途而废的人

You have never show me how much you are willing to fight for me. You will always choose the easiest plan for yourself because that's who you are. 

A fool remains as a fool if he does not learn

I shouldn't be here wasting my time trying to document my thoughts when its in my mind all along but since I am pretty much done with my work for today so I figure out I should start penning down before my memory fails me.

We are fake
We say we care but how many of us actually do
We care out of the obligation as the role of friend/family or out of our inner conscience
How many of us care to the extent that it's okay for you to say "I'm okay with being the bad guy as long as I am able to help?"
Everyone of us but none will
How many of us come up with self-pitiful stories to crave for attention?
Everyone of us
How many of us will notice the silent ones who don't speak up?
None of us
How many of us care only when its convenient and easy for us to do?
Everyone of us
How many of us leave painful things behind just because it hurts?
Everyone of us
How many of us are brave enough to touch shattered glass?
None of us
We say we make time and priorities to those who are important.
We say everyone is dear and important but we still make a priority list
1, 2, 3, 4, not 1, 1, 1, 1,
It's a given isn't it?

I am not trying to crave for attention because I have gotten over the desire to receive love from other. I have learnt that only you can love yourself the best (maybe and your parents)

I'm dying inside so so badly

I don't know how to scream for help

It's painful

It's engulfing 

Weird feeling insides of me

Can't breathe 

Can't hold my tears

Can't lift my eyelids

Nothing but an empty soul 

Sometimes all I wanna be like...

"Hehe shopping day with mummy 🙆"

Or like

"Thanks dad for sending me to sch so I won't be late 😘"

Or be like 

"Zzzz mom can't stop nagging me to wash the dishes" 

But I guess I would never ever have this privilege... 

I promise to work so damn hard and provide the best loving family I'll ever have to my child. 

没人要

妈不要我

爸不要我

好友不要我

每个人都不要我

那活着还有什么意义。。

You said you love me, but you just made my tears roll down...

心很痛。。。

Just caught a meaningful movie and I have learnt three things:

1) I am thankful that I don't have to have sex with my uncle in order to have food and a roof over my head.

2) For everything you want, there must be a price to pay. In order for survival, you have to do it and there's no nice people who helps without anything from you.

3) No matter how tough it may be, do your very best. 

你伤心 你绝望

你哭泣 你需求

我不在 我没用

对不起

When you sleep, you look so vulnerable and fragile
I just want to hold you tight and protect you for the rest of your life
I want to take away your pains fears worries
I want to give you the best in the world
Hold on
Wait for me
I promise X

Ironically everyone who says that they love me.

On the bus

Just a thought that I bothered to write it down during a bus ride since I'm too bored.

When someone of superior done an act of justification on the junior, it always seem to be deem as "bullying". It always seems to be appear as though the superior is using his/her forces, power, authority etc to take advantage of the junior. It always seems as though what they did is wrong and not right because the one that got affected is the junior. What if it's the truth and the fact? What if it's just the junior victimized him/herself? Just because it's coming from a higher authority or someone bigger than you does it always necessary means bullying? Bullying is attacking someone and creating shits about the person that isn't real. But what if it is indeed the junior make the mistake but just too afraid to admit it? And naturally, he or she would position themselves in the best situation  to benefit themselves which is to appear weak so that everybody else can come to their rescue.. To defend for them, to stand up for them, to sympathize them... That's what the public will do because everyone wants to be the hero to fight for the weak against the strong... But what if it's really the junior who a mistake and refuse to admit bravely? Why does it always seems like the one with more power "bullying" the small cat? It's so scary what different perspective can tell you about so many things.

Confusion

Why is it that people choose when to care and when they decide to care, it seems as though it is needed for the other party to allow their concern? Why? Why is it that now that you decided to care and I should allow and reveal all of me? When the other time I did so, I got trampled and bruised? And when things don't get your way, when you are trying to care and the other party just refuse to let you in, you become clueless and frustrated for not knowing and then it all seems to be my fault again. My fault for not seeing your effort. My fault for not knowing how much you tried. My fault for not appreciating your concern. Tell me how then. How if you were in my position? How to lean on the so called support that once break on you? Just because you are prepared and strong to care for others now, you can't just demand me to let you in... Because when you care, you never once stop caring... And once you stopped, it's not longer concern, it's doing so out of obligatory to lessen the guilt that is tripping you inside. So is it my fault for not allowing? I don't know really. But I do know once bitten, twice shy. And I can't bring myself to do so. 

I hate it when I can't sleep cos it means I would have many painful thoughts in my mind that I can't brush it off because I'm too awake. Ugh. I want to sleep forever and not wake up. 

Clarification

All these clarity placed in my face, let's see if I'm strong to uphold. Probably not. 

Not to uphold and bear but to lift and be freed. 

Frustrating day

So frustrated with today.

Firstly, I forget to bring my keys out cos I changed to a wallet and didn't realized that until I reach my doorstep. So the dumb me had to wait at the staircase until my family came home.... URGH so frustrated with my absent mindedness!! Thankfully I'm not so forgetful and it's probably the second time I forgotten my keys. Hopefully I don't jinx myself.

Secondly, I really hate how my aunt is trying to make me feel. Well, she succeeded cos I really feel so annoyed and upset zzz. I really don't understand why even up till now she is still bugging me about the money for my ip6 even though the ip5 has already fetch $100 to make up for the cost price... Although it isn't enough to cover up the cost but at least better than nothing right... Why must she keep insisting on me to fork up my own money? Yes, she want me to know how is it like to earn what I want... But yes I do understand that. The money I earned wasn't even to pamper myself, it's probably meant for socializing expenses.. Just because I'm working? Just because I have another source of income which I work hard for my own additional expense? Do you really have to drive me the wall? I hate how she is trying to direct her sorrows to the family while also trying to include me in it... I understand her so well and her mind plan... But it's not as though I don't feel bad about it but I just don't know what to do about it... 

Thirdly, I hate how I can differentiate geniune concern and masked concern. Both are good cos it's about caring. There's a difference between real care and fake care. To me, caring is about doing it subsicously cos the person or that issue mattered so much to you. It's about your feelings, your views, your reaction towards the certain issue/person. It's not only doing so when you have ability like when/where you can... It's not selectively.. It's not choosing when to do, cos if so, it's not concern anymore. It's masked concern that people subsicously do to make themselves appear that they are caring to lessen the guilt that they will feel, to enhance their angelic self when deep down inside that isn't their real self. It's the character that they feed on for their self gratification. Sigh. Hate myself for able to feel the difference cos honestly, it's not a good feeling.

Just take my life. Really. 

Sometimes I wish you are alive so that I won't be so lost like right now. I hate you for leaving me all alone dealing with all these that is killing me so badly but I'm sorry for being a disappointing daughter and I don't fit to even be called as your daughter.. You are so much capable, kind, loving, selfless but I'm completely not. I would very much glad to exchange our position. Take my life, just give her back to me.... 

Sorry

It's all true. Whatever I have said, it is always true again and again no matter how much I wish it isn't but I can't lie to myself. It made me think again. Maybe I should stop hurting people around me. I don't deserve love from people cause all I do is to hurt them so badly... I'm so sorry for everything.. I need to stop being so selfish. Really lost in my life...

Just a piece

"K uh, you go do your things"

"Okay la, don't disturb you"

"Sorry uh take up your time"

I really really detest it whenever people try to end the conversation in such a manner. Just for your comfort's sake, you hurt someone unknowingly. Just so that it's easier for you to end it, you force it upon me in your way. How do you think I would feel? I would much prefer a "sorry dk what to continue", is it that difficult?

I have really learnt so much.. How disgusting it is for people to point the knife at someone just to free themselves.. How selfish is that..

I'm so easily replaceable. 

Help

I try my best not to be a depressed person cos I lack of the privilege to be upset. But I really can't hold it anymore. Help. I need help.

Scared

I am scared.
I am scared of living in this place I call home.
I am scared of everyone around me.
I am scared of living.

Can't take it

Time and again, you did things that hurt me so badly that I want to question myself "Are you my friend?". How can you say such things about me behind my back? Even though we are fighting, but i never once wasn't on your side. I still supported you even though I think you are in the wrong but you never did that to me. You said I was wrong about making such jokes about you, what about you? Trying to break things up between the two of us? I had enough of this toxic relationship with you.