My take on a toxic relationship

I have finally mustered enough courage to withdraw myself from this year long emotionally draining toxic relationship with a guy who isn't able to love me.
Thank you to the only person who has been supporting me since the start and been with me through ups and downs despite all the mean stuffs I have done to hurt him.

Deep inside, I knew that it was a mistake right from the start because I was just like him.
I was just as superficial and impulsive like him.
We were unable to differentiate love from lust.
He was happy because it was his first official relationship. I was happy because I found myself a prized possession that I thought I could show him off to the world.

What he needed was someone to accompany him and satisfy his needs and desires on what he deem as "relationship" even if it means to feigning his concern for me just so to get what he wants.
What I needed was someone who possess the same level of my thinking, someone who can understand my erratic behaviour and someone who I don't have to alter myself to receive the love that I crave for.
I needed someone who is mentally and emotionally capable to deal with my broken pieces. Someone who is able to love and care for me truly, fully, wholeheartedly without any intention or any reciprocation in return.

However, I realised we were both on different levels.
I was too difficult for him to deal with. I was bringing him too much pain and misery. I was bringing unhappiness alongside with my existence in his life. I was too complex for his understanding. My personality was not what he is able to deal with. My character was unable to accommodate to his level. So one day, I decided I should let him go.
I should not hold him back anymore.
If I were to love him, I should let him find his soul mate that was meant for him.
The first step I did was to make it easy for him to stop loving me, which was to let him hated me to the core. I started being selfish and said things that were nasty.

My plan was a success. He hated me.
I thought I should be happy about how easy my plan went. But no, I wasn't even the slightest happy.
I was unhappy at that period of time. I was thinking, "How easy was it for him to stop loving me just like that? How easy was it for him to give up on me just like that without any hesitant?". He removed me away from his life within 24hours from his breakup phone call that I kept silent throughout - from social medias, to our chats, to what once was initially Bae back to my name just like a normal friend, to telling the whole world about it.
That was not the end.
He portrayed himself as the pitiful victim who was unfortunately ended up with a girl like myself who hurt him so badly.
What I was left with was pain from him, shame from people around us. I cried because the person I loved did not love me back at all. The person that I gave my everything to disgustingly victimised himself to everyone who knew about us. I did not know how to face any of them.
I fear stepping into school knowing that people knew what happened to us. I fear judgements from people who don't matter because of the tales he told them.

I was breaking apart.

The person who I did not give up time and again when I had all the reasons to, gave up on me.
The selfish person who places what he craves from a superficial relationship above my wellbeing, my studies, my mental health. It was scary to think of whatever thoughtful things he has done has an intention behind and I was foolish enough to make it easy for him by brainwashing myself into everything he has done was genuine.
He convinced me how much he cared for me with his words and I fell for it. I lied to myself so much that I started believing in myself.
However, every now and then, I get sudden realisation with the help of my friends from the clearer state of myself exposing his ugly lies that I told myself to believe in.
The person who knew everything has always been trying his best to bring me back into senses but I was stubborn, I was insisting on my faith in him. I was not ready to give up just yet. I want to fight for him despite all odds against me.

The next thing I have done was foolish. I wanted him back immediately.
I regretted my decision.
I was too desperate for him.
I was devastated.
I lost myself. I was all alone because no one else knew about it except that friend of me.
I begged him back. I explained to him. I clarified to him.
I divulged my secrets to him one of which was telling him the existence of this blog so that he could understand me better by reading all my heart-felt posts from the past but I doubt he still remembers about it. This blog may means nothing to him but it was a platform for me to heal my wounds that no one knows about. It was a big mistake that I have made to disclose the darkest and painful side of me to someone who do not care. I bare my soul to the wrong person.

Below are the things I have never told anyone about to protect him and to save his dignity.
I do not think I am a saint in keeping quiet about shits he has done after all this is my own platform to voice out whatever I want. I was stupid enough to keep my silence before but I will break it now.
What was disgusting was he judged my friends when he barely met them when I have always tried my best to fit into his group of friends. I stepped out of my comfort zone and overcame my fear for dogs for him. I accepted his family who intimidates me and tried my best to be as comfortable as I could.
I have always said great things about what he had done for me to my friends because I rather them to think of me as the horrible girlfriend whereas he is the O'mighty boyfriend. He went around talking to people who knew about us and caused people to create a false image of me based on his pitiful words. He said shits about the two closest people that I loved my whole life — my bff and godma when they have been nothing but kind to him.

That was the second biggest regret in my life.
What was I thinking when I allowed and forgave him saying such nasty things about the people I loved when they have been nothing but the best towards him? Why did I gave someone a chance to hurt people whom I cherish the most? Why was I in a relationship with a monster like him?

Because of the delusional state I was in before, I lost a dear friend due to a misunderstanding that we had. I hurt her badly by not protecting her when nasty things about her was said by him.
Till date, I am still very sorry towards her.

He told me to be more patient and tolerant towards him. I did.
I guided him and corrected him when he was uncertain. I gave the most sounding advices whenever he faces difficulties.
I was not just a girlfriend in his life. I was his pillar of support, his mother, his best friend.
I was the best I could ever be for him.

At this point in time, I realised it wasn't his immaturity that was unbearable.
It was his evil nature.
He may not have a heart of gold but instead it was a heart filled with evil nasty beliefs.
That was beyond my reach.
I did not have the competency to deal with him anyone.
I do not want to be with a guy who do not know how to love me. I do not want to be with a guy who does not follow any principles in life. I do not want to be with a guy with no ambitions in life. I do not want to have a future with insecurities with a guy who do not fight for me as much as I fought for him.

I was in wrong.
I was selfish and unfair towards him.
I forced myself to love every bits of him when I only fell for his appearance. I did not love his character. I felt annoyed towards his "wittiness". The aspects that he lacks in was what I am seeking for. All I wanted was the esteem boast by being with him because of the lack of self-esteem from my appearance. I wanted the pride from others as "Instagram couple" envied by all.
I am sorry that my selfish needs had caused you so much suffering.

To you who shared this journey with me,
I do not blame you neither do I hate you. I only hate myself for my inability to hold onto my promises with you. I am sorry for not supporting you till the very end and to witness the growth in you. I wish you can find someone who is more capable to love you better than I do.
Someone who has the ability to spark a positive change in you that I failed to.
I wish that you will be a better person.
I wish you all the best in your future.
I hope you learn as much I as did from this journey. Thank you for your temporary happiness and effort that you put in this r/s but I am looking for something greater now.
Lastly, thank you for giving me this unforgettable experience that I will never forget.

This post was not meant to seek your sympathy or concern. Although it may seem biased and unfair, but it was my own experience of my toxic relationship with him. I wanted to document this relationship that I have been through to remind myself that I am much stronger now. I will not settle for anything less. I will not shortchange myself of the love that i deserve.
I deserve so much more than this.
I have the rights to be loved as much as I love.
I am being brave and kind to myself by ending this.

From now on, I will be strong by myself.