Capability

Sometimes I wish I'm capable of my own expectations. I wish I was how I pictured myself to be. I wish I could be juggling well with my loved ones' issues, my personal issues, my studies, my appearance, my body clock — myself. But I am so incapable. Being incapable of fixing others' problems is alright, but I'm incapable of fixing myself. Why am I in such a mess? Why is my body clock fucking up during exam period? Why is my relationship with my bff going downhill yet idk what to do? Why is my r/s with my aunt so screwed that I don't even have the guts to tell her about bkk trip? I wish I can handle external issues well yet at the same time have time to fix myself too.. Studies screwing up, face still not showing any improvements. Times like this I feel so useless and doubt my worth again. Why am I so incapable? Or should I question myself, what am I even capable of in the first place? 

Better off dead.

"You should do something about it"

"You should not take things for granted and appreciate people around you"

So many things people has said to me because all they know is what they see and heard about. Does anyone bothers to try to understand or think of it in a way  "hey what Jiya said is so mean but she must have a reason or story behind it". I know it's wrong of me regardless of anything but I just need that one friend to have faith in me. To support me because of the person despite knowing I'm in wrong. But it seems like no one truly understands me.

Is it true that you have to show your fears and pains so that people will start thinking for you?

You said to be there for me, but where were you when I'm at lowest? Why did you have to step on me even if you didn't understand? Why can't you just be the support I need? All I begging for is the understanding and tolerance for me even when you least accept it.. Then again, I shouldn't expect so much right?

What worth do I have? Who am I to ask for so much? Who am I to be loved?

Troubled

Probably didn't make the correct decision to be so persisting to know about all these... After all, what am I hoping for? At least I know how she is feeling despite how troubled and upset I am feeling right now. And it's funny how sometimes I can just laugh about it when it's affecting me so much. 

It's not about my ego nor pride neither it's about me playing the sympathetic role because this is not a game. 

I'm willing to give in and take the first step as long as it doesn't hurt me but you see it in that way...

How is it so easy for you to say you don't care? Is it because you don't value this? Because i fucking care.

Sometimes I'm really the biggest loser in life. From not being able to protect my mom when she's alive, not being able to protect my aunt and my ganma, taking my friends' concern for granted, screwing my studies.... 

Really lost in all aspects in life..

Family, friends, studies, myself.. Really don't wish to fail in my relationship with justin too... 

So helpless so painful but what can I do?