Grenade

So I nearly have the same I-am-going-to-lose-my-mom moment again for the (upmteen) times. You may say I should probably get used of her acts, but how can I? How can I ever ever get used to the feeling of you could lose your loved ones any moment? I am so so scared. Perhaps scared is an understatement. I was so worried.... Worried where she is, worried if she is okay, worried that did any mishaps happened to her... Because she really meant so so so important to me. Even though, people may say I'm stupid to hold on so tight to a grenade that will explode anytime and hurt me anytime, but at least I rather be hurt by her. Even though I love her so so so much, I'm okay to be hurt by her. Yes, I said it. I'm okay. 

The lost in senses and direction whenever I can't find, waking and crying around like some homeless in my mask and frantically calling and contacting her in every ways possible... 

Seeing her in so much pain yet I can't do a single thing to help her sucks so so badly. So many times I asked God to give me all her sufferings, I really meant it. Even if it means I have to stuck with this awful face and awful people around me. As long as she is happy and healthy. That's all I wish for. For her to be happy, safely, healthy. 

Self-worth

Sometimes I really wondered am I such a bad and horrible person that everyone dislikes? Is my character/words/actions really suck so badly? Why do I always feel that no one really likes me for who I am? Why do I always feel that no one is ever supportive or feel happy for me?
Am I like what you always proclaimed? So I'm actually a burden for you?
Why does everyone makes me doubt myself so much? I doubt that I can ever be good for anyone.
Sometimes its just so bad for me, its like my existence is a mistake? Like how my dad dumps me, my mom dumps me and now my aunt dumps me? Is there really no place for me to belong?

I really didn't meant to hide nor lie, I wish i could be frank but how to? I have so so many questions but who can tell me the answers?

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Ma, I wish you can know this. I wish you know how much I miss you and how much I needed you badly even after 5 years. I hate why God must do this to me, to take away my closest kin. Sometimes, I wish I could take your position so that you will know how to help Ganma and bring this family back together. And because like what everyone says your presence is always the best, I am just nothing but a shame towards you. I am incomparable with you, because I am not good enough. I wish you are here to tell me what to do and not dump me into this world and making me face everything. How long more will this take before we are all back together? Please show me the light and guidance, please give Ganma all the support and faith.

Fucking pissed off

Why are people always so shallow? Why is it that even families are so mean and sacsartic towards each other? I hate it all the sharp words whenever I'm outside facing all those hypocrites "friends" but even when I'm homed I have to suck it up with their bullshit nonsense. 

Do I really deserve all these? Deserve all the shits in the world and nothing good? Fuck them and bullcrap, don't ever wonder if it's other factors that caused me to hate this fucked up "family" because family don't hate and fuck each other over and over. YOU make me hate my existence here. YOU make me feel like I don't belong here. YOU make me feel the least deserving and worthy. 

Sleep

Been struggling with sleep for so long... And had my first sleep paralysis experience yesterday. Is this a whole new level of stress? I guess I have been doing well in keeping my emotions. Or not since I'm back here again. 

Always getting random flashbacks of my mom and I'm glad it's always the ones that put a smile across my face. How I would always lie on her lap while gg to work with her and always ended up with numb legs due to the awkward sleeping posture. Things hasn't been right lately. Godma. Results. School. Stress. Haven been doing well in school too... Sigh bye no mood to continue type