Sad

This whole month has been so suckish. I don't know why am I so weak. I really can't stand the routine of acting im happy and then cry to myself silently till I fall asleep. But happiness has been so far lately. I cry to my mom all night begging her to tell me what to do is the right way. There are so many times I would walk to the kitchen and stare at the knife. But no, I am a coward. I wouldn't have the guts to. What if one day I really can't take it anymore?I feel so burden and useless. Like my whole birth was a mistake. I should never exist in the world. I couldn't protect my mum and now I couldn't protect my godma. I caused all this. I have to admit I treat my godma even way better than my mom. But seeing her like this pains me, our wrecked r/s pains me. Seeing how weak and skinny she has been as the day goes on really break my heart and I can't do anything about it. Seeing how upset and stress she is about the r/s she had with my aunt really break my heart. What pains me most is the r/s I have had with her. It's like we can't be close anymore. I never wanted to leave her but leaving her seems like the best option. I hate myself. For being in this position. I hate how we couldn't have a normal healthy r/s and every time we meet up we have to act secretive. I hate how she couldn't be close to me because she is being held back by so many things. Yes I understand. That's why from now on I need to stop regarding for my own feelings and my own happiness. Even if, I have to carry on being like this for the rest of my life. I would be so to change for her happiness and get her out of her misery. Why am I forced to grow up so quickly. Why can't I be a normal teenager. I can't control my emotions like I used to. I can't think of my own happiness and put her in a difficult position. It's okay, I need to be strong. 

Pain

What type of crying hurts the most? It's the type when you can't cry it out loud and you have to take it all in to the extent that your whole body is shaking. The type of crying that is so silent that it hurts the most. The type of crying in the dark. The type of crying when you have to constantly stuff your blanket in your face. The silent crying hurts the most.

What really upsets me now is the relationship I have with someone whom is important to me. Did I really ruin this relationship I have with her? Did I really lose her? Why does it feels like the same four years ago when I lost her? Why does it feels like she is leaving me? I wish nights were shorter so I don't have to cry myself to sleep. I wish I knew what happened to her. I wish she would still tells me things and rant to me. I wish we were still the same. This is what I hate. I hate when I get attach to people and they leave me. Again and again. Can you please don't leave me? Don't ever leave me, will you? I hope this is just temporary and we will be fine. 

I'm not defying and not being rebellious to her. I didn't do it on purpose just because I was mad. I didn't do it because of what I heard. I did for myself. I didn't meant to break your heart. I am just not strong to face it. I don't have the courage and support I need at that time so I thought avoid would be the best. Saying that I don't care about her is not totally true, but I'm just numbed. I tried my best to act like a child and be funny and be childish because I see her as my aunt. But now, I feel like she is just my guardian and I'm indebt towards her for the rest of my life. I'm super appreciative for what she had done for me and I know I wouldn't have been here without her help. That's something I can never repay back. 

It hurts. It really hurts a lot. 

Home runaway

I can't believe I did such an absurd thing after 4 years. But I couldn't take it anymore. I just want be to reckless and thoughtless for once because being matured is too tiring.. I wanna be a impulsive and childish 15 years old..

Three parties hurt from this incident because I triggered it.. But how I can not to have any response nor reaction? I really don't know what to do.. All I ever want now is to exchange anything for the life of my mom. I just want to live our happy lives with just me and her. I will never never ask her to go and die. I'm so useless I can't even protect my own mom and now I can't protect my godma. Seeing how hurt she is really breaks my heart when I know I'm the cause behind it. I really don't deserve to be attached to anyone because they receive hurt but I receive love from them. I'm so unworthy for their presence. I made her even upset because of my actions. But who can understand me and my pain? It's so tiring and hurt for me to suppress my emotions I feel like I'm going mad. As much as I hate to see my aunt and my godma quarrel especially abt me and how upset they are, but I need my break too. I need to relieve my emotions. I need to get out of the cycle. And now I made my godma gulity just because of what she told me.. I hope she will still tell me things and not bottle up herself. I rather be the one suffering and suppressing my emotions than having her to suffer all these by herself. My relationship with my aunt has became a guardian. I don't know since when but she's no longer my aunt buy just my guardian who takes care of me till I'm legal. I know clearly that I shouldn't expect any love nor attention from her because she's not my mom, I know it but I can't help it sometimes. It's like a kid going up to their parents to request to buy a Barbie but the mom just said no straight in their faces. It's the disappointment and hurt I'm been getting. I told myself to get used to it. I told myself not to say anything that's not important to her anymore. Because I know she will never bother with insignificant details about me. But what I really don't understand is why does she wanna stop me from receiving love? Because I am really so unworthy? Just when I thought I found such underdlying love from my godma, she just wanna ruins it all. Why why why?! I don't understand. Am I destined not to receive love? Last time I received love from someone, she betrayed me and make me lose my trust. Just when I thought I finally found someone to provide me love that I always wanted, I just couldn't have it. Why must you stop me from my happiness? My godma, my friends. To me I clearly know that that was my happiest moments in my life. My godma, she's an important person in my life that I want to love and take care of her after knowing all the hardship she has been through. But the least I ever want to do is to see her crying and being upset because of me. But I did it, I made someone who cared about me cried when i was being the selfish one who decided to run away from the reality. How selfish can I be. Thankfully she can blame me for it, at least I'm the reason behind it but who can I blame for mine? No, I can't blame to those who loved me. It wasn't their mistake, it was mine. My presence, my selfishness, my recklessness, my childishness. Of all the times when gandie said "why am I not embarrassed?" when I went her house for stay over and Terence said that I was unrelated, I should have know it. I shouldn't get attached to anyone in my life. So I won't bring sadness for them. I must be independent on my both feets like what my aunt said, I shouldn't crave for things I don't deserve. Lastly, to my mom. After watching the show stranger housekeeper, I realized the position of a mom cannot be easily replaced. I'm so sorry to her because there was once she wasn't the first placing in my heart. I was so selfish to her. Just because someone who loves and cares for me, I shouldn't forget about you. I'm sorry. I finally understand now, it just us two. I shouldn't have accepted anyone in just because I was in the moment of happiness. Because they shouldn't see the vulnerable side of me, no one should ever know the deepest part of me. The pain and wounds should never be exposed. I hope things will be better, I hope my ganma is fine so is my aunt. I don't wanna see them suffering. I need to stay strong. I will never break down anymore.