Reason

I realized the reason why I missed my mom so much is because of how she was the only person who loved and cared for me unconditionally. My mother is the only person who will always accept all my flaws and never loved me less.

She won't shortchange her love for me just because I overslept all the time, just becos I have shitty skin or I am flat chested.

More importantly, she won't ask anything for return. She won't have hidden motives. She won't do anything to hurt me.

I missed her so much because of how I have to wary for people and it's so tiring. To constant think whether this person has any bad intentions.

I missed having a to trust in someone entirely. I lost that privilege.

Unwell

Whenever I'm falling ill, I got reminded of her 

The pain that I'm experiencing is nothing compared to hers

Feigning a strong front just so that the back then naive teen would actually believe that she is doing well

It pains me to realize what a great mother she was

To be considerate of my feelings and lessen my worries even when she's in so much pain 

I wonder how does she feels back then when she knows that she will be leaving me

It must be painful for her. So so painful.

It's been long since I had an anxiety attack.

It scares me that I can't breathe, I can't make a single sound, I can't stop the tears from flowing, I can't stop gasping for air. 

I hate it when this happens to me. And I hate the weak person that I am.