On the bus

Just a thought that I bothered to write it down during a bus ride since I'm too bored.

When someone of superior done an act of justification on the junior, it always seem to be deem as "bullying". It always seems to be appear as though the superior is using his/her forces, power, authority etc to take advantage of the junior. It always seems as though what they did is wrong and not right because the one that got affected is the junior. What if it's the truth and the fact? What if it's just the junior victimized him/herself? Just because it's coming from a higher authority or someone bigger than you does it always necessary means bullying? Bullying is attacking someone and creating shits about the person that isn't real. But what if it is indeed the junior make the mistake but just too afraid to admit it? And naturally, he or she would position themselves in the best situation  to benefit themselves which is to appear weak so that everybody else can come to their rescue.. To defend for them, to stand up for them, to sympathize them... That's what the public will do because everyone wants to be the hero to fight for the weak against the strong... But what if it's really the junior who a mistake and refuse to admit bravely? Why does it always seems like the one with more power "bullying" the small cat? It's so scary what different perspective can tell you about so many things.

Confusion

Why is it that people choose when to care and when they decide to care, it seems as though it is needed for the other party to allow their concern? Why? Why is it that now that you decided to care and I should allow and reveal all of me? When the other time I did so, I got trampled and bruised? And when things don't get your way, when you are trying to care and the other party just refuse to let you in, you become clueless and frustrated for not knowing and then it all seems to be my fault again. My fault for not seeing your effort. My fault for not knowing how much you tried. My fault for not appreciating your concern. Tell me how then. How if you were in my position? How to lean on the so called support that once break on you? Just because you are prepared and strong to care for others now, you can't just demand me to let you in... Because when you care, you never once stop caring... And once you stopped, it's not longer concern, it's doing so out of obligatory to lessen the guilt that is tripping you inside. So is it my fault for not allowing? I don't know really. But I do know once bitten, twice shy. And I can't bring myself to do so. 

I hate it when I can't sleep cos it means I would have many painful thoughts in my mind that I can't brush it off because I'm too awake. Ugh. I want to sleep forever and not wake up. 

Clarification

All these clarity placed in my face, let's see if I'm strong to uphold. Probably not. 

Not to uphold and bear but to lift and be freed. 

Frustrating day

So frustrated with today.

Firstly, I forget to bring my keys out cos I changed to a wallet and didn't realized that until I reach my doorstep. So the dumb me had to wait at the staircase until my family came home.... URGH so frustrated with my absent mindedness!! Thankfully I'm not so forgetful and it's probably the second time I forgotten my keys. Hopefully I don't jinx myself.

Secondly, I really hate how my aunt is trying to make me feel. Well, she succeeded cos I really feel so annoyed and upset zzz. I really don't understand why even up till now she is still bugging me about the money for my ip6 even though the ip5 has already fetch $100 to make up for the cost price... Although it isn't enough to cover up the cost but at least better than nothing right... Why must she keep insisting on me to fork up my own money? Yes, she want me to know how is it like to earn what I want... But yes I do understand that. The money I earned wasn't even to pamper myself, it's probably meant for socializing expenses.. Just because I'm working? Just because I have another source of income which I work hard for my own additional expense? Do you really have to drive me the wall? I hate how she is trying to direct her sorrows to the family while also trying to include me in it... I understand her so well and her mind plan... But it's not as though I don't feel bad about it but I just don't know what to do about it... 

Thirdly, I hate how I can differentiate geniune concern and masked concern. Both are good cos it's about caring. There's a difference between real care and fake care. To me, caring is about doing it subsicously cos the person or that issue mattered so much to you. It's about your feelings, your views, your reaction towards the certain issue/person. It's not only doing so when you have ability like when/where you can... It's not selectively.. It's not choosing when to do, cos if so, it's not concern anymore. It's masked concern that people subsicously do to make themselves appear that they are caring to lessen the guilt that they will feel, to enhance their angelic self when deep down inside that isn't their real self. It's the character that they feed on for their self gratification. Sigh. Hate myself for able to feel the difference cos honestly, it's not a good feeling.