Outcast

Its beginning to feel like this is the only space where I can be myself.
I try my best not to think of negative thoughts and try to surround myself with ppl who loves me.
But, there is always something that will bring you down.
Locking this blog because I want this to be as private and personal as possible.
Just feel like pouring things out but not to anyone just to myself

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Why are some people so ungrateful? Why does it now seems like its all my fault? I am the one to be blamed. I really don't feel fit in at school at all. Is it because of my and my character thats why I am like that now? All along whenever you are upset or breakups, just one call during midnight I would stay up and listen to you.. When you are sick, I offered to accompany you to see the doctor.. But why do you make me feel like this now? Am I really such a suckish person? I feel really lost. It's like I no longer able to find the true happiness within. It really hurts me.. I feel like a fucking loser. Where everyday ended their major papers and have fun, I'm the only pathetic asshole that go home herself. I need to stop waddle in self-pity. Friends.. Do I really need them? After all, it's seems like I have no true friends around me anymore.. No one would ever stood by me.. I just feel really empty inside that no one will ever knows.. I never meant any ill intentions, I never wanted any fame or attention, I never wanted to put anyone down.. 

I feel pathetic 

I am a loser

I am never good enough

I am insignificant

I am deserving of all these shits

Angst

So fucking pissed all the time whenever I am not held up by anything. How my mac is working so slow because of the fucked up wifi and how every single just pisses me off. I am just so angry and angsty. Everything seems to gets on my nerve and I hate it!!! Major major hate hate hate it! Argh! Can someone invent something to cure my mood?? 

What's gone is all gone

No matter how much I try to visual you as my mom, I just can't do it. Whenever the thought that mom is dead always crumples me. I thought I will fine even after 4 years coming to 5. I thought I wouldn't need all these love again. All these love you gave to me was genuine but I am just confused and unsure about everything. As much as I want to view you as a motherly figure, there is always a voice at the back of my head telling me that you are not. This fears me a lot because I never thought I will ever let someone so close into my life. But whenever I thought of how you could just leave me and stop caring and just stop being close to me, I couldn't take such a huge blow. I wanted to cherish you. because I knew I wouldn't want to make the same mistake again because you are my loved ones. But because of such a huge part you played in my life, I wasn't ready for you to ever leave me. How we would text 24/7, how we would hang out together for the whole day, how we would have h2h talks, it's been the closest I have ever done that to anyone. I didn't have much friends that has been so close to with even the closest one left me. I knew friendships wasn't something for me to rely on anymore. This whole kinship is even more complex. I know how you always include me into everything just like your family, but deep down I know, there's no more mommy. I just can't help but to feel insecure and uncomfortable about it. 

I don't even exactly know what am I feeling right now. This is the vulnerable side that I never wanted people to see of me. I never wanted to hurt you in any way but I just don't know how to express my love for you. It's like at this moment I am enjoying your company but next moment I wake up from this dream and feel like shit. I didnt want to show you any attitude and I am absolutely can't even show you my greatest gratitude for you. I am so sorry to put you through all these.

Maybe everyone should just steer away from me. I just hurt every single one in every way possible. I am not deserving of all the love. So maybe it's time for to take a step back. I am not ready to accept all these love so quickly again. I don't really know how to deal with this emotions that I'm going through but I definitely hope that it is temporary. 

To my another mom X

Thankful for your presence. Thanks for your unconditional love for me. All the care and love that I thought it was gone forever ever since the passing of her, thanks for reliving it again for me. I never thought I will experience such love anymore. Thanks for regarding me as someone significant to you. Just when I lost all hopes and faith in humanity and friendships all went down on me, I got reminded of you. I will never make the same mistake twice, I will hold you dearly even when things aren't right because for you shown me the correct path. God hasn't been cruel, although he took my mom but He gave me another mom.