Times like this when I feel my whole existence is a mistake. I probably shouldn't have belonged here or I'm better off dead. I know it's times like this I need to be strong, I need to be stronger for everyone else. I know I shouldn't be feeing inferior or negative, I shouldn't dwell onto such things.
But the thought of how I'm the culprit for everything makes me feel so so bad and no one will ever know how I would feel. I don't understand why everyone in this family claimed that they love me but yet refusing me to be loved. Thats why I am so certain in the very beginning that I don't deserve love. Just like how everyone thinks I don't deserve my good mom, my good friend, my good aunt and my good godma. If you claimed to love me so much, why are you hurting me by hurting my loved ones?
I just don't understand this whole drama, the only thing I get it is that everyday I doubt myself even more. I doubt my ability to withstand this whole drama, I doubt how long can i persevere with my own issues on top of that… I really feel so bad of myself, my incapability… I feel bad towards Bernise who is always there for me yet I couldn't spare my time for her… I feel bad towards Edwin whom I haven't seen for ages yet I keep taking advantage of his kindness… I feel bad towards Justin who has been such a joker who never fails to make me laugh due to his character yet the weak me is now becoming in tolerate towards his personal issues… I feel bad towards Shirlene for having a friend like who is so irresponsible and ill-disciplined… I feel bad towards my aunt and godma for taking care of me and yet end up getting hurt… Most importantly, I feel bad towards my mom for having a child like me…
Perhaps all these wouldn't have happened if I wasn't around…
