4am thoughts

I should lower down my "appreciation level" which means I should feel appreciated easily with the least effort of words and actions. I should feel appreciated at every single thing like even typing on this macbook right now. I think I am weird haha my thinkings are so unexplainable and complex. If my "appreciation level" is lowered, I will feel happier and better. Life would be much more easy.
Well, I don't really consider myself "hot-tempered" but I must admit i remember things that made me feel awful of myself. I don't get mad easily but I don't exactly bear grudges. I probably have a very high benchmark of being angry and happy and recently my threshold of sadness is getting lower sigh... which means i get upset easily and cry often. I really hate it... I hate how I think and I hate my incapabilities.

Just another weird post that no one will understands.

Note to self

"You didn't grew up with love and concern so you don't need any of those in the future. Stop having expectation and stop evaluating your position in others' hearts because you will never know. Stop being so weak and leak out things that are only meant to be unseen and untold. Stop relying in love because it never pays off. Please do everything that you can to fight for those who matters. Please don't ever ever ever show your true emotion to anyone"

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So I was thinking of my best friend. Thinking about the good times we used to have with each other's company, reading about her one year old blog post about me, it really saddens and dishearten me to see what we are like right now... Why is friendship so fragile? How can people who talks 24/7 stop talking? I miss how we are like in the past.... Heavy thoughts tonight again... When can I have a proper rest...

Mother's Day

Probably not a happy mother's day for me after all... Seeing all those posts dedicated for their moms on all social media platforms makes me really wanna dedicate something for my mom.. I'm so sorry for missing all those mother's days and your birthdays all the past years. I wish time could rewind so I can do all those things that I'm dying right now to do for you. I wish you are still alive so that I won't have to type this with tears rolling down my cheeks. I wish I can bring you out for dinner today and give you a bouquet of flowers. I wish I can tell you in person how much I love you and how much I appreciate you. All those years, I never thought that I will ever spend a day without you. I never thought God can just take you away like that. Ma, I'm really sorry and I really wish I can have the chance to do what I should do as your daughter. I wished I didn't take you for granted back then. I wished I have cherish you and everything we once had. So happy mother's day mi, I wish you are happier up there and please don't look down on me. I'm such a disappointment to you... From not studying well, not be able to protect our loved ons, to not living my life with faith, to being a pathetic loser... I'm so sorry.. But thank you for being my mom, for always loving me, for always taking care of me, for doting on me even when I least deserve it. I know its hard being hard on you. Thank you so much.. I miss you... So badly...

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Here's to my second mom: I wish I can do everything I wish could have make you feel better. I can't do anything but to watch you helplessly. I really hope you can pull through all these and get better soon. I can't bear to see you being so depressed and unhappy. I wish God can take away your pain and give it to me and give you all my happiness. I hope life wouldn't be so unfair to you anymore. I hope you will be able to find the strength soon.

Dear God, I hope that all these that you are putting us through would means that the good days are coming and the rainbow is at the other side. I hope this battle gives her strength in the amidst of her struggles. These struggles are tough but she will be able to fight her way through.

To my dear ganma: I really wish nothing but the best for you. I hope to see you happy, I hope to see you fine. I don't know if I can do it but I will my best to love you no matter what, to love you despite how your words kills me like a knife, how your actions hurts me so much and to love you even when its tough for me. I hope God gives me the strength to be stronger than you so that I will never allow you to break. 

Thank you for everything, words can't describe my insurmountable love for you. I wished you knew how much I cared and how much you matter to me. 

Happy Mother's Day

We still have a long way of celebrations till you grow old and grey.